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Re: Advice-totally off topic

All good advice for sure.  I'm seen some foster and adoptions that turn 
out wonderful, and others that are a complete disaster for all 
involved.  I think it is important to NOT have a specific expectation of 
what it will be like- you are bound to be disappointed if you think you 
can make certain things happen, turn out a certain way, or fix damage 
done in the past.  Time and/or love does not cure all ills- certainly 
can help, and some kids are amazingly resilient. Someone else mentioned 
FAS as a problem, and certainly you will want to know alot about a 
child's development and functioning as well as any major risk factors 
before you decide to bring a specific child into your home.  The purpose 
of psychological assessments prior to adoption is to ensure that there 
is enough information available about the child to ensure a good match 
and increase chances of success.  Some adults can manage situations that 
others cannot- that is just reality, so it is also important to know 
yourself and be realistic.  I think that fact that you are even 
considering this speaks volumes about your dedication and commitment.  
Just take your time and don't skip any steps in the process!  My best to 

Aplfgcnys@aol.com wrote:
> Andrea, first of all, I have great respect for your decision to adopt
> a child.  That is a very admirable and generous step.  My only
> advice is that you must realize that any child, whether born to
> you or adopted, will be an individual, and should be given the
> respect of such.  Adopted children may be more difficult that our
> own birth children, or less.  Any teenager can be extremely difficult
> to live with, even without meaning to be so.  Even the best of them
> can give you much grief and heartache.  My three sons have each
> turned out well, finally, and in different ways, but their adolescent
> years were the most difficult of my life. Just realize, as you go into
> this project, that all your love and good intentions will not guarantee
> the outcome you desire.  I wish you all the best in this undertaking.
> Auralie
> In a message dated 12/29/2008 2:24:10 PM Eastern Standard Time, 
> judylee@lewiston.com writes:
> I agree with Lynda. Having a child is a big step, whether by adoption or 
> birth. The best foster parents I know bond with each child, without getting 
> overinvolved. That is, they provide loads of love & structure, clear 
> boundaries on behavior, but don't need to be a pal to the kids, or protect 
> them from the consequences of their choices.
> Come to think of it, that sounds like the succesful parents I know.
> If you choose to adopt or foster, your life will change.
> I have step kids & birth kids & I love them all. They have brought me joy 
> and grief and continue to do so. You never stop being a parent. My 91 year 
> old mom in law was worrying about her oldest son the week before her death. 
> Not that she could solve his problems, but she still was concerned.
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Lynda Young" <lyoung@grindertaber.com>
> To: <gardenchat@hort.net>
> Sent: Monday, December 29, 2008 6:28 AM
> Subject: RE: [CHAT] Advice-totally off topic
>> All I can add is to try to clearly and logically think through all the
>> ramifications of taking this step, all the pluses and minuses of how your
>> life will change.  And then just trust your heart to lead you in the right
>> direction.
>> Lynda
>> Zone 7 - West TN
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: owner-gardenchat@hort.net [mailto:owner-gardenchat@hort.net] On 
>> Behalf
>> Of Pam Evans
>> Sent: Sunday, December 28, 2008 4:28 PM
>> To: gardenchat@hort.net
>> Subject: Re: [CHAT] Advice-totally off topic
>> I'm afraid I would be the least qualified person on this list to give 
>> advice
>> on this particular topic.  Though I admire greatly your initiative for
>> considering such a big step.
>> I couldn't do it, but you're not me.  This is an immensely personal
>> decision.
>> On 12/28/08, james singer <inlandjim1@q.com> wrote:
>>> Heavy stuff Andrea. My first wife and I were both Depression
>>> babies--we grew up in houses where non-kin strangers often sat across
>>> from us at the dinner table. My mother must have fed half the hobos
>>> who streamed through SoCal and Virginia's parents set up beds in their
>>> garage so drifting families had a place to camp while they looked for
>> work.
>>> When half of Virginia's and my kids were teenage, we took in two other
>>> teenagers--a sister and brother whose ages and sexes matched our two
>> oldest.
>>> They were not foster kids, they were just middle-class kids trying to
>>> get away from abusive, alcoholic parents. So we gave them a place to
>>> stay and food to eat. They were with us for about two years, then the
>>> girl went away to college and the boy and our son went to Colorado to
>>> try their hands at being ski bums.
>>> It was probably easier for us because two our kids matched them in
>>> ages and they all seemed to like one another. I can't imagine what it
>>> would have been like if they had been damaged goods.
>>> On Dec 27, 2008, at 2:54 PM, andreah wrote:
>>> Because I value your opinions and experience, I would like some advice
>>> from
>>>> all of you great people.
>>>> For a couple of years now I have considered off and on possibly
>>>> adopting or at least fostering a child. ONE child. I know my limits
>>>> and I do not think I could handle more than one. Also, I am speaking
>>>> of an older child. No babies.
>>>> If I wanted a baby I would have had one. Anyway-there are hundreds
>>>> that need homes just in S.C.
>>>> Recently, my consideration has taken a turn more towards a "I think I
>>>> really want to do this" attitude. I would like to have a family and I
>>>> don't think waiting around on a divorced man with children is the way
>>>> to go about it.
>>>> Anyway-I've spoken with some close friends who have three adopted
>>>> children and they've given me some great advice, but I value your
>>>> opinions as well.
>>>> At the moment I am not financially ready, even though I know the
>>>> state helps.
>>>> They help to the tune of about $300 a month here which is nothing.
>>>> So, advice, opinions, experiences, etc. All would be welcome, good or
>>>> bad, yes, or no.
>>>> I am giving myself a year to get ready. Unless I change my mind and I
>>>> don't think I will, hopefully by this time next year I'll at least be
>>>> fostering.
>>>> Cheers!
>>>> A
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