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Yer killin' me - what a "dam" riot!

On 7/12/05, Hollikft@aol.com <Hollikft@aol.com> wrote:
> OMG!!!!!!!!!!!  That is so funny!   I am laughing so hard I  cant believe
> this!!   ROTFLOL!!!!!!!!!
> Thanks for sharing this!
> Holli
> LI, NY
> In a message dated 7/12/2005 1:49:01 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
> 4042N15@nationalhearing.com writes:
> You may  have seen this already - I think I did a long while back - but it's
> so
> darned funny, it is worth rereading:
> Read the whole thing! This  is supposedly an actual
> letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the  Michigan Department of
> Environmental Quality, State of    Michigan. This guy's response is
> hilarious, but read the State's letter  before you get to the response letter
> SUBJECT: DEQ File   No. 97-59-0023; T11N;  R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
> Dear Mr. DeVries:
> It has come to the  attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
> that there has been  recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
> parcel of property.  You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
> contractor who did  the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
> maintenance of two  wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring
> Pond.
> A permit  must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
> review of the  Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
> Therefore, the  Department has determined that this activity is in
> violation Part 301,  Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
> Environmental  Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
> sections  324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
> The  Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
> failed  during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
> downstream  locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
> hazardous and  cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
> cease and  desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
> stream to a  free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
> the dams from  the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed
> no later than  January 31, 2003.
> Please notify this office when the restoration has  been completed, so
> that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our  staff.
> Failure to comply with this request or any further  unauthorized
> activity on the site may result in this case being referred  for elevated
> enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your  full
> cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this  office
> if you have any questions.
> Sincerely,
> David L.  Price
> District Representative
> Land and Water   Management  Division
> ** This is the actual response sent back:  **
> Re: DEQ File No.   97-59-0023; T11N ; R10W, Sec. 20;  Montcalm County.
> Dear Mr. Price:
> Your certified letter dated  12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
> to. I am the legal landowner but  not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,
> Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers  are in the (State unauthorized)
> process of constructing and maintaining two  wood "debris" dams across the
> outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
> While  I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
> think they  would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
> natures  building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your
> department to  attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any
> place you choose.  I believe I can safely state there is no way you could
> ever match their dam  skills, their dam  resourcefulness, their dam
> ingenuity, their dam  persistence, their dam determination and/or their
> dam work ethic.
> As  to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
> first  fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of  dam
> activity.
> My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to  discriminate
> against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all  beavers
> throughout this State to conform to said dam request?? If you are  not
> discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom  of
> Information Act, I request completed copies of  all those other  applicable
> beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if  there
> really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of  the
> Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the  Public
> Acts of 1994, being sections 324 .30101 to 324.30113 of the  Michigan
> Compiled Laws, annotated.
> I have several concerns. My first  concern is .. aren't the beavers
> entitled to legal representation? The  Spring Pond Beavers are financially
> destitute and are unable to pay for  said representation, so the State
> will have to provide them with a dam  lawyer. The Department's dam concern
> that either one or both of the dams  failed during a recent rain event
> causing flooding is proof that this is a  natural occurrence, which the
> Department is required to protect. In other  words, we should leave the
> Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than  harassing  them and calling their
> dam names.
> If you want  the   stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition  please
> contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they  obviously
> did not pay any attention to your dam letter...they being unable  to read
> English.
> In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have  a right to build
> their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the  grass is green
> and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I  do to live
> and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources  and
> Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect  the
> natural resources (Beavers) and the environment   (Beavers'  Dams).
> So, as far as the   beavers and I are concerned, this  dam case can be
> referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why wait until
> 12/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice  then and
> there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass  them
> then.
> In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to  a real
> environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the  bears!
> Bears are actually defecating in our woods.? I definitely believe  you
> should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers  alone.
> If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!  (The
> bears are not careful where they dump!)
> Being  unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
> contact you on  your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
> your dam  office.
> Thank You,
> Ryan DeVries & The Dam  Beavers
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Pam Evans
Kemp TX
zone 8A

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