Texas Chili Cookoff
A friend sent me this, saying I would laugh to tears. He was right. I
am posting it as I think many of you would enjoy it. I cleaned up a
few of the words, but some others remain that may not be to some
people's liking. I don't mean to offend, but it's just too funny for me to
For those of you who have
lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili
Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the
Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge s table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted . Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that s the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur s Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I m not sure what I m
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred s Famous Burn Down the Barn
Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs morebeans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I ve located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I m getting drunk from all
of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba s Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping
across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn
out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this
nuclear waste I m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda s Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded
beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I m
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Gosh darn, those red necks.
Chili # 6 Vera s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- I **** myself when I farted and
I m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that nut Sally. She must be odder than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my behind with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan s Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I ve lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they ll
know what killed me. I ve decided to stop breathing, it s too
painful. Doesn't matter; I m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry
is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he s going to make it. Poor dude,
wonder how he d have reacted to really hot chili?
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