> >Subject: Nursery Rhymes
> >> Mary had a little lamb
> >> Her father shot it dead.
> >> Now it goes to school with her,
> >> between two hunks of bread.
> >> Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
> >> her clothes all tattered and torn.
> >> It wasn't the spider
> >> that crept up beside her,
> >> But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
> >> Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
> >> Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
> >> What have you got there?
> >> Said the Pieman to Simple Simon,
> >> Pies, you dickhead.
> >> Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
> >> Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
> >> All the kings horses and all the kings men,
> >> said "Screw this, He's only an egg."
> >> Mary had a little lamb
> >> It ran into a pylon.
> >> 10,000 volts went up it's ass
> >> and turned it's wool to nylon
> >> Georgie Porgy
> >> pudding and pie.
> >> Kissed the girls and made them cry.
> >> When the boys came out to play,
> >> He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
> >> Jack and Jill
> >> Went up the hill
> >> to have a little fun.
> >> Jill, that dill
> >> Forgot her pill
> >> and now they have a son.
> >> Old Mother Hubbard
> >> Went to the cupboard
> >> to fetch her poor dog a bone.
> >> When she bent over
> >> Rover took over,
> >> And gave her a bone of his own.
> >> Little Boy Blew.
> >> Hey! He needed the Money.
> During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to
> Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
> with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a
> female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going?
> I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you
> turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it's
> difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's,
> get it right!"
> Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she
> was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed
> everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.
> You stay right there and don't move until I tell you
> to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
> when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US
> Air 2771?"
> The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground
> control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted
> to engage the irate ground controller in her current
> state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running
> Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and
> "Wasn't I married to you once?"
> The National Transportation Safety Board recently
> divulged they had covertly funded a project with the
> US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the
> auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel
> drive trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
> accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
> before the crash.
> They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the
> last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes
> were, "Oh, My God!"
> Only the states of Texas, Alabama, North Carolina,
> West Virginia, and Florida were different, where 89.3
> percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer and
> watch this."
Morris the jeweler called the police station to
report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened, Officer. A
truck backed up
to my store, the doors opened and an elephant
He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk
in, sucked up
all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck.
The doors closed
and the truck pulled away."
The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for
whether it was an Indian elephant or an African
"What's the difference?" asked Morris. "Well,"
said the sergeant,
"an African elephant has great big ears and an
has little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears,"
said the jeweler.
...."He had a stocking over his head."
This bloke is driving along when he spots a
fortune-teller's tent by
the side of the road. The fortune-teller is
sitting outside smiling and
laughing. The bloke just drives past, but after a
couple of miles he
spins his car around and speeds back towards the
tent. He pulls up by
the still laughing fortune-teller, jumps out of
his car and suddenly
begins hitting and slapping her. A passing police
everything and comes over and wrestles the bloke
to the ground.
After handcuffing him, the policeman asks, "What
did you do that for?"
After a moment, the bloke replies, "Well, Mother
always said to strike a happy medium."
This message has been e-mailed to you for no good reason. It has been sent
back and forth to the same superstitious dorks for about 20 years. This
stupid piece of trash has now been e-mailed to you. You will spread the
boredom within seconds of receiving this message - provided you, in turn,
e-mail it on.
This is no joke. Not even I, the sender, am amused. You will gets lots of
angry e-mail in return, but no money. Send copies to people you think are
stupid. Do not keep this message. This message must leave your hard drive in
Since this letter must tour the Net, you must use the button below and e-mail
it to 10 of your friends and associates. After a few days you'll get a flood
of angry responses. Nothing is true, even if you are superstitious. Do note
* Carlos Diddit, an office droid, received the message and forgot that it had
to leave his hard disk in 96 hours. He saved it and lost about 10KBytes of
storage space. Later, after finding the message again, he forwarded it to 10
friends and then erased it from his hard drive, freeing up that same 10KBytes.
* Bubba Walker, a Texas rodeo cowboy, received this message just 5 days
before the big livestock show & rodeo. He forgot to pass it on. The night of
the big rodeo, he mounted the steer and within 6 seconds it had flipped him
10 feet in the air and horned him in the ass. Bubba's wife, Emma Sue,
remembered the letter, and from the audience - with her laptop - she quickly
forwarded it. As soon as she hit SEND, a clown miraculously appeared on the
rodeo floor, diverted the steer's attention, and freed Bubba from his agony.
Remember, these were just average folks like you and I.
Good Luck, but please remember: 10 copies of this message MUST leave your
computer in 96 hours... You must not sign off on this message... YOU'VE BEEN
To sign-off this list, send email to firstname.lastname@example.org with the
message text UNSUBSCRIBE HOSTA-OPEN