Re: Handling Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you
want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all
these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore,
my car won't start..." When they try to get to the sell, just
keep talking about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where
it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror
as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most
fun if you can do it until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any
friends...would YOU be my friend?"
7. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get blood out?
Can you get out HUMAN blood? How about GOAT blood?
8. Ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell
them that you could not just give your credit card number to a
9. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often
can't sell to their fellow employees.
10. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set
the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang-up.
11. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if
they will give you their HOME phone number, you will call them back.
When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME
number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home,
right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I
feel!" Hang up.
12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
13. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put
them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask
if they could bring you some beer.
15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Max,playing a joke.
"Come on Max, cut it out! Seriously, Max, how's your momma?"
16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...
louder... louder... louder
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write
DOWN EVERY WORD.
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