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Re: Today's collection



  > Things You Don't Want To Hear In Surgery
  > 
  > 1. Someone call the janitor - we're gonna need a mop.
  > 
  > 2. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
  > 
  > 3. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's
  > that?
  > 
  > 4. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
  > 
  > 5. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  > 
  > 6. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
  > before?
  > 
  > 7. Dang it, there go the lights again...
  > 
  > 8. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the
  > guy's got two of
  > 'em.
  > 
  > 9. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  > 
  > 10. What's this doing here?
  > 
  > 11. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
  > 
  > 12. Sterile, shmeril. The floor's clean, right?
  > 
  > 13. OK, now take a picture from this angle.
  > 
  > 14. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
  > 
  > 15. Dang it! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
  > __________________________________________________ >>
 
 > FEMALE COMEBACKS......
 >  
 > Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
 > Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
 > 
 > Man: Is this seat empty?
 > Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
 > 
 > Man: Your place or mine?
 > Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
 > 
 > Man: So, what do you do for a living?
 > Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
 > 
 > Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?
 > Woman: Do not enter.
 > 
 > Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
 > Woman: Unfertilized.
 > 
 > Man: Your body is like a temple.
 > Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
 >  
 > Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
 > Woman: But would you stay there?
 >  
 > Man: If i could see you naked, i'd die happy.
 > Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
 > __________________________________________________
 
 > > A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays,
 > etc.,
 > > submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high,
 > high
 > > school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing
 > what
 > > weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time
 > > and grades."
 > 
 > > "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the
 > > abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains
 > the
 > > heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
 > which
 > > there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
 > >
 > > "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
 > > state."
 > >
 > > "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
 > >
 > > "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
 > tube."
 > >
 > > "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
 > >
 > > "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
 > gin.
 > > Hydrogin is gin and water."
 > >
 > > "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
 > >
 > > "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
 > >
 > > "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
 > > expectoration."
 > >
 > > "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
 > >
 > > "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead
 > of
 > > the bull."
 > >
 > > "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
 > them
 > > perspire."
 > >
 > > "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
 > >
 > > "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
 > >
 > > "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
 > >
 > > "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
 > > the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
 > something to
 > > hitch meat to."
 > >
 > > "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
 > > molars, and eight cuspidors."
 > >
 > > "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
 > towards
 > > the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a
 > > vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
 > >
 > > "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
 > is."
 > >
 > > "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
 > >
 > > "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
 > >
 > > "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
 > >
 > > "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
 > >
 > > "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
 > >
 > > "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
 > >
 > > "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
 > >
 > > "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
 > >
 > > "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
 > affirmative
 > > or negative."
 > >
 > > "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
 > >
 > > "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart
 > > stops."
 > >
 > > "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
 > recovered,
 > > then kill it."
 > >
 > > "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in
 > your
 > > throat."
 > >
 > > "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
 > >
 > > "For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above
 > > the hand instead. put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
 > > doctor."
 > >
 > > "To prevent contraception, use a condominium."

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