A 'GRIZZLY' TALE
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of
sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and
said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
New scientific theories...
A contest was held in which people submitted their theories on any subject
they chose. These are the winners.
4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory) If an infinite number of
rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite
number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn
to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your
eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to
even it out.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic) Communist China is technologically
underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use
acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) The earth may spin faster on
its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin
increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of
tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics) The quantity of consonants in the
English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in
another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it
always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands
buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered
toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will
cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant
buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York
To sign-off this list, send email to email@example.com with the
message text UNSUBSCRIBE HOSTA-OPEN