Political Follicles (and hostas too)
- Subject: Political Follicles (and hostas too)
- From: "Bill Meyer" <email@example.com>
- Date: Tue, 3 Feb 2004 18:30:28 -0500
All this political talk got me thinking. For the last few months, Dean
and Clark looked like they would be slugging it out for the Democratic
nomination, while all the others just looked like they were waiting for the
right time to give up. It looked in the news like Kerry had as much chance
as Al Sharpton, this year's comedy candidate. Of course this was just
speculation and polls, and when people got down to voting it was a big
surprise. Kerry first and Edwards second? How could the media have been so
I think I've found the answer to that, and a way to predict where the
future elections will go. Here in America there's only one thing that really
counts. No, it's not their views on the issues, or the amount of money they
have, or anything else that you might find talked about by the media. What's
really important, the genuine deciding factor in who will win and who won't
is this -Which Candidate has the most Hair? If you look at it that way, it's
clear that Dean and Clark never had a prayer, and with that remarkable lawn
Kerry is sporting, George W. is in real trouble. The latest polls now show
just that. Bush was always ahead of Dean and Clark in the polls, but now
that Kerry is the frontrunner, Bush is suddenly behind.
Shall we look back at the history of our recent presidents? John
Kennedy - lots of hair - won and was very popular. Jimmy Carter - lots of
hair - won when nobody was expecting him to. Ronald Reagan - lots of hair-
won big twice. Bill Clinton - lots of hair - another big double winner.
LBJ - not much hair - got the job by default and didn't run again. Gerald
Ford - not much hair - likewise got it by default and lost when he ran. G.
W. Bush - not much hair - was defeated in the popular vote by the much
hairier Gore but got in on electoral college vote. George Sr.? Well he won
against a much fuller-maned Dukakis, but almost anybody could have beaten
Dukakis, and don't forget - Dukakis beat all the other Democrats for the
nomination. Alright, there was Nixon, but......
Yes folks, it's the hair that matters most! Does anyone really think
that a bald-headed man could be elected President of the United States no
matter what his other qualities?
I think we hosta fans need a candidate of our own. Someone who
understands us and will push for policy changes to make our lives easier. We
need a president who gardens. A president that worries about overwintering
and can't wait for spring. A president that will surround the White House
with hostas and other (companion) plants. A president that also worries
about viruses and nematodes. A president who can tell organic fertilizer
from campaign speeches. Yes, we need a president who cares about the plants!
Let's hear your suggestions for who should be our candidate!
Remember, guys like Dan might make a great candidate if they had enough
hair, but they'd never have a chance against Kerry's mane. Nope, we need
someone who could stand toe-to-toe with the best hair in the Democratic
Party, someone who can match Kerry follicle for follicle. There hasn't been
a serious independent candidate for President since Ross Perot, so the time
is right for another one now.
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