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1. Before you criticize someone,
walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if
he gets angry, he'll be a mile away
and barefoot.
2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried.
4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
5. Not one
shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. It is easier
to get forgiveness than permission.
7. I have found at my age going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of my
face.
8. For every action, there is an
equal and opposite government program.
9. Age is a very high price to pay
for maturity.
10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
11. If you look like
your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12. Always yield to
temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
13. Bills travel through
the mail at twice the speed of checks.
14. A conscience is what hurts when
all your other parts feel so good.
15. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
16. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
17. No
husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
18. A balanced diet is a
cookie in each hand.
19. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness
of waist change
places.
20. Opportunities always look bigger going than
coming.
21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
24. Going to
church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to
a garage makes you
a mechanic.
25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize
a
mistake when you make it again.
26. By the time you can make ends meet,
they move the ends.
27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real
world.
29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door
is when
I'm in the bathroom.
30. Blessed are they who can laugh at
themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.






Bush wins the election.
He and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House.
Cheney orders the "Heart-Health" salad.
Bush leans over to the waitress and says "honey, could I have a
quickie?"



She's horrified!
She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration
would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House.
Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you, "
and she marches off.



Cheney leans over and says, "George, I think it's pronounced "QUICHE."





> > >
> > >How many Michigan college students does it take to change a light bulb?
> > >
> > >At Michigan it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to brag
> > >about how cool it was.
> > >
> > >At Michigan State it takes two thousand. One to change the bulb, and the
> > >
> > >other one thousand nine hundred ninety nine to riot and set it on fire.
> > >
> > >At Grand Valley State it takes ten. One to change bulb and the other
> > >nine to sit around and watch because it is the big entertainment of the
> > >evening.
> > >
> > >At Ferris it takes zero. They are all too drunk from the night before to
> > >
> > >care whether or not the lights are on.
> > >
> > >At Eastern it takes four. One to change the bulb, one to steal the new
> > >bulb from the store, one as a look out, and one to drive the getaway
> > >car.
> > >
> > >At Central it takes eight. One to screw it in and seven to throw a
> > >party over it.
> > >
> > >At Wayne State it takes zero. Who wants to be in Detroit after dark
> > >anyway?
> > >
> > >At Western it takes twelve, two to figure out how to screw it in and ten
> > >
> > >other drunks to find an ugly enough lamp shade to match their school
> > >colors.
> > >
> > >At Adrian it takes zero. There is no electricity in Adrian, only cows
> > >and corn.
> > >
> > >At Northern it takes five. Four to strap on snow shoes and one to hike
> > >10 miles to the nearest store to get the new bulb and one to screw it
> > >in.
> > >
> > >At Michigan Tech it takes twenty. One to change the bulb and the other
> > >nineteen to find a new way to engineer it so it never has to be changed
> > >again.
> > >
> > >At Hillsdale & Albion it takes zero. They have Mommy and Daddy to pay
> > >someone to do it for them.
> > >
> > >At Saginaw Valley it takes five. One to bring the weed and four to
> > >smoke it while they all imagine they screwed it in.
> > >
> > >At Oakland it takes zero. They can't afford light bulbs just like they
> > >cannot afford a football team.
> > >
> > >At Macomb it takes zero. They live at home, mom and dad control the
> > >lights.
> > >



Charting Notes:


1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her 
left side for over a year. 

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on 
the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills,
but her husband states she 
was very hot in bed last night. 

4. The patient has been depressed ever since
she began seeing me in 1993. 

5. The patient is tearful and crying
constantly. She also appears to be
depressed. 

6. Discharge status: Alive but without 
permission. 

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful. 

8. The patient refused an autopsy. 

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.


10. Patient has left his white blood cells at 
another hospital. 

11. Patient's past medical history has been 
remarkably insignificant with only a 40
pound weight gain in the past three days. 

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and 
anorexia for lunch. 

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to 
get this lady pregnant. 

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her 
husband, I thought you might like to work
her up. 

15. She is numb from her toes down. 

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated 
and sent home. 

17. The skin was moist and dry. 

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 

21. She stated that she had been constipated for
most of her adult life, until she got a divorce. 

22. I saw your patient today, who is still
under our car for physical therapy. 

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to
light and accommodation. 

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover 
function. 





> > > > CHET, THE PARROT 
> > > > 
> > > > One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a 
> > > pet shop looking 
> > > > for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The 
> > > shop owner suggested a 
> > > > parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous 
> > > Christmas carols. This 
> > > > seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to 
> > > sing?" The young 
> > > > man asked, excitedly. 
> > > > 
> > > > "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his 
> > > feet," was the shop 
> > > > owner's reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: 
> > > "Jingle Bells! 
> > > > Jingle Bells! ..." 
> > > > 
> > > > The shop owner then held another match under the 
> > > parrot's right foot. 
> > > > Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled 
> > > with: "Silent Night. 
> > > > HolyNight..." 
> > > > 
> > > > The young man was so impressed that he paid the 
> > > shopkeeper and ran 
> > > > home as quickly as he could with Chet under his 
> > > arm. When the wife saw 
> > > > her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She 
> > > exclaimed, "Can he 
> > > > talk?" 
> > > > 
> > > > "No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let 
> > > me show you." So 
> > > > the young man whipped out his lighter and placed 
> > > it under Chet's left 
> > > > foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet 
> > > crooned: "Jingle 
> > > > Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The man then moved the 
> > > lighter to Chet's 
> > > > right foot, and out came: "Silent Night. Holy 
> > > Night..." 
> > > > 
> > > > The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then 
> > > asked, "What if we hold 
> > > > the lighter between his legs?" The man did not 
> > > know. "Let's try it." 
> > > > He answered, eager to please his wife. So they 
> > > held the lighter 
> > > > between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, 
> > > cleared his throat, the 
> > > > little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the 
> > > performance of his 
> > > > life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." 
> > 
> 



> > THE PERFECT HUSBAND
> >
> > There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private
club
> > after
> > exercising.  Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings.  One of
the
> > men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
> > - "Hello?"
> > - "Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"
> > - "Yes."
> > - "Great!  I am at the mall two blocks from where you are.  I just saw
a
> > beautiful
> >    mink coat.  It's absolutely gorgeous!!  Can I buy it?"
> > - "What's the price?"
> > - "Only $15,000.00."
> > - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
> > - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
> >    models.  I saw one I really liked.  I spoke with the salesman, and
he
       gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW
that
       we bought last year..."
> > - "What price did he quote you?"
> > - "Only $60,000..."
> > - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
> > - "Great!  But before we hang up, something else..."
> > - "What?"
> > - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
       and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the
house
       we had looked at last year.  It's on sale!!  Remember?  The one with
a
       pool, English
> >    Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
> > - "How much are they asking?"
> > - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that
       much in the bank to cover..."
> > - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.  OK?"
> > - "OK, sweetie...Thanks!  I'll see you later!!  I love you!!!"
> > - "Bye...I do too..."
> > The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while
> > holding the phone and asks to all those present:
> > - "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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