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A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday, 
> She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. 
> On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. 
> Before leaving she asks the sales clerk,"I hope you don't mind my 
> how old do you think I am?". 
> "About 32 " the clerk replies. 
> I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. 
> A little while later she goes into MacDonalds and asks the counter girl 
> same question.  She replies,"I'd guess about 29". 
> The woman replies,"nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about 
> herself. 
> While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. 
> He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. 
> Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman 
> but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I 
> exactly how old you are." 
> They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best 
> the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". 
> The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel 
> After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?">He 
> his hands and says, "You are 47." 
> Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing.  How do you know?". 
> The old man replies, "I was behind you in MacDonalds!!" 

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was
going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island
in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he
began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long
time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not
much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly
surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had
a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you
learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back
to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to make passionate
love with you!"

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that


Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke up that morning?"

Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "Because my name is Susan."


At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was
carrying a very long pole.

"Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"


A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling
them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd
standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and
said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young
policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I

Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this was a
bus stop."


The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class
asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened,

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed
the insurance company."


One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's
hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said,
"Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"


I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the
habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."


If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your
food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never
behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you
either married it or gave birth to it!

A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across
an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The
genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always
wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish.

So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when
he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start he thinks. As he
picks it up, he notices an OTB betting shop across the road. He strolls
looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1
in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win,
and what do you know, the horse bolts in!

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino,
fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky
seven."  Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven!

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head
to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and
enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a
of champagne. The madame of the establishment puts her arm around him and
says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you
are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the
pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian
girl.... so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls
the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen.

Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the
Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the
most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky
I am.  But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I
don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to
please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it
gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans
back and starts killing himself laughing.

"What's wrong, sir, what's wrong?!" asks the Indian girl.

The lucky guy, between chuckles, replies, "You're never going to
believe this, but I've just won a car!"

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