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> >A salesman was traveling between
> >towns in California  and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere.
> >Checking the spare, he found that it
> >was flat, too.
> >His only option was to flag down a
> >passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
> >
> >The first vehicle to stop was an old
> >man in a van.  He yelled out the window to the salesman "Need a lift?"
> >
> >"Yes, I do", replied the salesman.
> >"You a Democrat or Republican?" asked
> >the old man.
> >
> >"A Democrat," replied the salesman.
> >
> >"Go to Hell!" yelled the old man as
> >he sped off.
> >
> >The next to stop rolled down the
> >window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same
> >answer "Democrat."
> >
> >The driver gave him the finger and
> >drove off.
> >
> >The salesman thought it over, and
> >decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared
> >to
> >be few Democrats in this area.
> >
> >The next car to stop was a red
> >convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.  She smiled seductively and
> >asked
> >him if he were a Democrat or
> >Republican.
> >
> >"Republican!", shouted the salesman.
> >
> >"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
> >
> >Driving down the road, he can't help
> >but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him.  The wind
> >blowing
> >through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to
> >ride
> >higher and higher up her thighs.
> >
> >Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR!
> >STOP THE CAR!"
> >
> >She slams on the brakes, and as soon as
> >the car stops, he jumps out.
> >
> >"What's the matter?" she asks.
> >
> >"I can't take it!" he replies.  "I've
> >only been a Republican for five minutes and already I want to screw
> somebody!"



Dear Abby: 
> 
>     I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburbs of
> 
> Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married
> to a 
> transvestite. 
> 
>     My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
> selling 
> marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are 
> prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one who is currently
> serving 
> a non-parole life sentence in Attica for the rape and murder of a teenage
> boy 
> in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington
> Remand 
> Center on charges of incest with his three children.
> 
>     I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who 
> lives in the Bronx and is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.  
> However, her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel
> with 
> her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
> in 
> joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
> themselves, 
> at least it would get them off the street, and hopefully the heroin.
> 
>     Abby, my problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to
> bringing 
> her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.  
> Should I tell her about my cousin in Florida who voted for Bush?
> 
> Signed, 
> 
> Worried About My Reputation





Smoke Filled

Two firefighters are buttf**king in a smoke filled room.  The fire chief 
walks in and says, "What the hell is going on in here?"  

The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation." 

 The Chief says "why didn't you give him mouth to mouth"  

The Firefighter says  "How do you think this sh*t got started? 

**********

Absent-minded

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. 

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mable, did you 
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" 

Mable answered, "I have a suppository?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.  
Then she said, "Ethel,  I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know 
where my hearing aid is." 




A Blonde and a Lawyer are seated next to each other  on a flight from LA
 to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over 
to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists and explains that 
the game is  easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay 
me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, 
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't 
know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention 
and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees 
to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to 
the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a 
$5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.  "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with 
four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his 
references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches 
the net and the library of congress, no answer.  Frustrated, he sends e-mails 
to all his friends and
coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, 
"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, 
"Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, 
hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.




> >A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the
> >altar, when the best man notices that the groom has the biggest,
> brightest
> >smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you're happy to be
> >getting married, but what's up? You look so excited."
> >The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my
> >entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
> >
> >The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest,
> >brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "I
> >know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so
> >excited."
> >
> >The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire
> > life!"




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