20 Rules For Being A Good Republican
1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was
due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that yesterday's
gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success
all on their own.
3. You have to be against government programs, but expect Social
Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a
5. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray
to Allah or Buddah.
6. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
7. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions
about her own body, but that large corporations should have no
regulation or interference whatsoever.
8. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your
hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
9. You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black
in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote
for Alan Keyes.
10. You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50
million to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever
been unfaithful to their wives.
11. You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun
is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for
12. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools,
because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
13. You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the
Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the
14. You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that
Europe doesn't exist.
15. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is not important enough to
deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and
that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just
ignore it, it will go away.
16. You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals
of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the
Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.
17. You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more
Americans than handguns, alcohol and tobacco.
18. You have to believe that even though governments have supported the
arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art
were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such
support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor
don't need any.
19. You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old
growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and
the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
20. You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt
Gingrich, Henry Hyde and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities,
but that that bastard Clinton should be impeached.
To sign-off this list, send email to email@example.com with the
message text UNSUBSCRIBE HOSTA-OPEN