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Good Ones

   From Church Bulletins:

  Bertha Bellch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at 
  Calvary Memorial Church.  Come and hear Bertha Belch all the way from 

  Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday in the recreation 
  hall.  Come and watch us kill Christ the King. 

  Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious 
  pleasure to the congregation. 

  Ladies don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those 
  things not worth keeping around the house.  Don't forget your husbands. 

  The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to 
  The sermon this morning is "Jesus Walks on Water".  The sermon tonight is 
  "Searching for Jesus". 

  Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more 
  transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of 
  Pastor Jack's sermons. 

  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. 

  Don't let worry kill you off.  Let the church help. 

  Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct 24.  So ends a 
  friendship that began in their school days. 

  At the evening service tonight, the sermon will be "what is Hell?".  Come 
  early and listen to choir practice. 

  Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several 
  new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

  Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. 
  Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

  The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6pm.  Steak, mashed potatos, beans, 
  bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 

  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery 

  Please place your donations in the envelope along with the deceased person 
  you want remembered. 

  Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. 

  The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and 
  gracious hostility. 

  Potluck supper Sunday at 5pm.  Prayer and medication to follow. 

  The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be 
  seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

  This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the 
  church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

  Ladies bible study will be held Thursday am at 10.  All ladies are invited 
  to lunch in the fellowship hall after the BS is done. 

  Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet thursday at 7pm.  Please use the 
  back door. 

  The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church 
  basement Fri at 7pm.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

  The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing capaign slogan 
  last Sunday: "I Upped my Pledge- Up Yours" 

> > >
> > > One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the "THE
> > > PIGS" to her class.  She came to the part of the story where the first
> > > pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She
> > > read,......"and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
> full
> > > of straw and said, `Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw
> to
> > > build my house`?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
> do
> > > you think that man said?" After several moments, a little boy raised
> his
> > > hand and said, "I think he said, "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING PIG!"
> > > The teacher was unable to teach for the next 20 minutes.

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years 
of  his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house 
and tied  up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He 
tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. 
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing 
her neck. 

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband 
made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and 
whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw  him 
kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do 
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with 
it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him 
mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you." 

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: 
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a 
woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my 
ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the 
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too." 

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having 
a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. 

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, 
back in Dublin, there's a better one.At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, 
you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third 
The others agree that sounds like a nice place. 

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, 
there's a better one.  Over in Brooklyn,there's this place, Vinny's.  At 
Vinny's, you buy a drink,Vinny buys you a drink.  You buy anudda drink, 
Vinny buys you anudda drink." 

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. 

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?  Where I come from, 
there's this place called Warshowski's.  At Warshowski's, they buy you 
your first  drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your 
third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" 

"Wow!" say the other two.  "That's fantastic!  Did that actually happen 
to you?" 

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!" 

A man went to see a rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I 
have to talk to you about it." 
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" 
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." 
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?" 
The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, 
what should I do?" 
The Rabbi then offered, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see 
what I can find out and I'll let you know." 
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your 
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" 
The man anxiously said, "Yes." 
"Take the poison," said the Rabbi. 

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their newest stamps? They 
had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side 
to spit on. 

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? 
They both look good hanging from a tree. 

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? 
It's called, Sosumi. 

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? 
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna. 

How does an attorney sleep? 
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder 

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one 
of them, would you go to lunch or read the Paper? 

What are lawyers good for? 
They make used car salesmen look good. 

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do? 
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. 

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? 
Not enough cement. 

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? 

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? 

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? 
"Your Honor." 

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? 
His partners. 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? 
The pronunciation. 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? 
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. 

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? 
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect. 

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? 
To practice. 

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New 
Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? 
New Jersey got first choice. 

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