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Some--skip if "sensitive"

  • Subject: Some--skip if "sensitive"
  • From: ShayDguy@aol.com
  • Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 11:36:47 EDT


> A young woman ws so depressed that she decided to end
> her life by throwing herself into the ocean.  She went
> down to the docks and was about to leap into the
> frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
> tottering on the ege of the pier crying.  
>
> He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot
> to live for.  I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if
> you like, I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take
> good care of you and bring you food every day moving
> closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and
> added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me
> happy."  
>
> The girl nodded yes.  After all, what did she have to
> lose?  That night, the sailor brought her aboard and
> hid her in a lifeboat.  From then on every night he
> brought her three sandwiches, and a piece of fruit,
> and they made passionate love until the early hours of
> dawn.  
>
> Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she
> was discovered by the Captain.  "What are you doing
> here?" the Captain asked.  "I have an arrangement with
> one of your sailors," she stated.  "I get food and a
> trip to Europe, and he is screwing me."  
>
> "He sure is Lady," said the Captain.  "This is the
> MARTHA'S VINEYARD FERRY!"
>




A WEE BIT OF TROUBLE
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the
house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee
button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me
pants. "

"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up
the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin
ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a
bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling
doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a
bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him
and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask
her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee
button an she did. Everything was goin fine but when
she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr.
MacDonald walked in... "




>A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
> >regular table , he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....
> >all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive
> >bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it,
> >she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the
> >girl, saying this it is from t the gentleman.
> >
> >She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The
> >note read:   "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
> >in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 Inches in your
pants."
> >
> >The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it
> >read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW
> >850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage;   plus I have over twenty
> >million dollars in the bank.    But, not even for a woman beautiful as
you,
> >would I cut off three inches.   Just send the bottle back."






> Funny Kitchen Plaques
>
> * A Balanced Diet Is A Cookie In Each Hand
>
> * A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
>
> * A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is Delirious
>
> * Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT
>
> * Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
>
> * A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He
Just Cleaned The Whole House
>
> * If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.
>
> * My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
>
> * No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
>
> * Thou Shalt Not Weigh More Than Thy Refrigerator




>
>     George Bush was out jogging one morning along the  parkway when he
>  tripped, fell over the bridge railing  and landed in the creek below.
>  Before the Secret Service  guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing
>  pulled him  out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids
>  whatever they wanted.
> The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." George  says, "No
> problem. I'll take you there on AirForce One".
>     The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike  AirJordan's. "George
>  says, "I'll get them for you and  even have Michael sign them!!"
>     The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with  a built in TV
>  and  stereo headset!!"
>     Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
>  you are handicapped."
>     The kid says, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved  your ass
>  from drowning!!!"
>




In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across
> > the US were asked to identify a woman's ultimate
> > fantasy.
> >
> > 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's
> > ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
> >
> > While this has been verified by a recent sociological
> > study, it appears that most men do not realize that
> > in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is
> > cleaning.





-

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1.  Sag, You're it
2.  Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3.  20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4.  Kick the bucket
5.  Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6.  Simon says something incoherent.
7.  Hide and go pee
8.  Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9.  Musical recliners




OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer,   "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friend compliments you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take
any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee




> >
> > A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
> > with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have
> > any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
> > The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just
> > came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."
> > The husband said, "What did he say about your 40-year-old ass?"  "Your
> > name never came up," she replied.
> >
> >
> >
> > The mother-in-law unexpectedly stopped by the recently married couple's
> > house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
> > daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
> > "What are you doing?" she asked.
> > "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
> > answered.
> > "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
> > "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
> > "Love dress? But you're naked!"
> > "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes
> > me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be
> home
> > from work any minute."
> > The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the
> way
> > home she thought about the love dress.
> > When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume
> and
> > waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in
and
> > saw her standing naked by the door.
> > "What in the world are you doing?" he asked.
> > "This is my love dress," she replied.
> > He just stared at her for a moment then replied, "It Needs ironing!"



> > One day a blonde was all smiles so her friend asked her why. The blonde
> > replied, "I was studying last night and learned all of the capitals, go
> > ahead, test me."
> > "OK," said her friend, "what's the capital of Florida?"
> > The blonde, hardly able to keep from bursting at her newfound
knowledge,
> > replied, "That's easy...the capital of Florida is F."





> A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new
> > boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
> > On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The
> > room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show
everyone
> > he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "How much money
> > do you make a week?"
> > Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a
> > week." The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and says, "Here's a weeks
> > pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
> > Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the
room
> > and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker's job was?"
> > With a sheepish grin, one of the workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy."
> >




Medical Alert!

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the asshole?

It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a
shitty
outlook on life.

If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eye.




> "A Good Reason To Become A Lawyer?"    
>
> An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death  was
> near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a
> lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told
> me about?"    
>
> "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why?  You'll be
> dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"   
>
> "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days
> later, the old man got his law degree.  His lawyer was
> at his bedside, making sure his  bill would be paid.
> Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing
> and it was clear that this would be the end.
>
> Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said,
> "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted
> to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
>
> In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old
> man said, "One less lawyer . . ."     





>
> > >  > >These are actual TEST ANSWERS from various schools in the
> > >>  > >Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area.
> > >> > >
> > >>  > >Q: Name the four seasons.
> > >>  > >A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
> > >>  > >safe to drink.
> > >>  > >A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
> > >>  > >large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: How is dew formed?
> > >>  > >A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
> > >> > >
> > >>  > >Q: What is a planet?
> > >>  > >A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
> > >> > >
> > >>  > >Q: What are steroids?
> > >>  > >A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: What happens to your body as you age?
> > >>  > >A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
> > intercontinental.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
> > >>  > >A: Premature death.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
> > >>  > >A: Keep it in the cow.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,
> > >>  > >abdomen.)
> > >>  > >A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium,
> > >>  > >the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains
> > >>  > >the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
> > >> > >abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O,and U.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: What is the Fibula?
> > >>  > >A: A small lie.
> > >> > >
> > >>  > >Q: What does "varicose" mean?
> > >>  > >A: Nearby.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
> > >>  > >A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: What is a seizure?
> > >>  > >A: A Roman emperor.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: What is a terminal illness?
> > >>  > >A: When you are sick at the airport.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic
> > >> > >feature?
> > >>  > >A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they
> > >>  > >look like umbrellas.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you
> > >>  > >understand its meaning.
> > >>  > >A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
> > >>  > >A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: What is a turbine?
> > >>  > >A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
> > >>  > >
> > >>  > >Q: What is a Hindu?
> > >>  > >A: It lays eggs. >>
> >




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