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"jokes"



> > Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and
> > decided that they would
> > make
> > this a real vacation by not wearing anything that
> > would identify them as
> > clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for
> > a store and bought
> > some
> > really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,
> > sunglasses etc.
> >
> > The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in
> > their "tourist" garb
> > and
> > were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the
> > sunshine and the
> > scenery
> > when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini
> > came walking straight
> >
> > towards them. They couldn't help but stare. When she
> > passed them, she
> > smiled
> > and said, "Good morning Father, good morning
> > Father," nodding and
> > addressing
> > each of them individually, then passed on by.
> >
> > They were both stunned. How in the world did she
> > recognize them as
> > priests?
> > The next day they went back to the store, bought
> > even more outrageous
> > outfits.  These were so loud, you could hear them
> > before you even saw
> > them,
> > and again settled on the beach in their chairs to
> > enjoy the sunshine.
> >
> > After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a
> > string bikini this
> > time,
> > came walking toward them again. (They were glad they
> > had sunglasses,
> > because
> > their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)
> > Again, she approached
> > them
> > and greeted them individually, "Good morning Father,
> > good morning
> > Father,"
> > and started to walk away. One of the priests
> > couldn't stand it and said,
> > "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and
> > proud of it, but I
> > have
> > to know, how in the world did you know we are
> > priests?"
> >
> > "Father, it's me, Sister Veronica!"




> >The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
> >the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.
> >
> >The man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT,
> >the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
> >
> >The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
> >the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
> >
> >The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
> >the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
> >
> >The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
> >the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
> >
> >The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
> >the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
> >
> >The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
> >the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.
> >
> >The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
> >the woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got all mixed up!





>
>Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher
>was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised
>a discussion among them.
>
>First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years.
>Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the
>cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer
>is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
>
>Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too.
>I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed
>are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN'
>ALL MY COWS."
>
>Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have
>only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as
>you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep
>all MY cows."
>
>They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up
>in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT:
>the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700
>pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the
>breaking point.
>
>First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I
>really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can
>spare a few for our new friend."
>
>Second Bull:  "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just
>stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly
>not looking for an argument."
>
>They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him
>pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
>
>First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
>some of your cows and live to tell about it."
>
>Third Bull: "Shi*, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he
>knows I'M a bull!"
>





Subject:  HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE??

Recently, when I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen of the Mcnuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied ? "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the
reply.
"So I can't order a half- dozen Mcnuggets, but I can order six?" That's
right."
So I  shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

================================================

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple
of
months ago. I was checking out at the local
Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the
belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between
our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl
had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" and looked it
all
over for the bar code so she could scan  it. Not
finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and
I
said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think
I'll buy that today".  She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and
left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

================================================

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what
she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for credit card number, so she was using the
AT "thingy".

================================================

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you
need
some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I
should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't
get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to
a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I
dunno.  Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No,
just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,
I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries
it's a long walk.

================================================

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was
typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine
paper," the secretary told her. With that, the
intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank copies.

=================================================

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in
dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra
in"Twister". I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in
the
back to make a sandwich.

==================================================

IDIOTS AT WORK: Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a
dollar.

===================================================

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS: My neighbor works in the operations department in
the
central office of a large bank. Employees
in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One
night he got a call from a woman
in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a
fire downtown?"

======================================================

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE: I was sitting in my science class, when the
teacher commented that the next day would
be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited,
cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the
amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to
say,
she was very disappointed.

=======================================================

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to
a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,
and
police pressed the copy button each time they
thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector"
was working, the suspect confessed






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