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New Trillium species discovered

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> 1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. 
> 2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a 
> slope. 
> 3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the 
> typewriter. 
> 4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the 
> box said "2 to 4 years". 
> 5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. 
> 6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. 
> 7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C. " 
> 8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries. 
> 9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per 
> pound and she weighed 125. 
> 10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those 
> little packets. 
> 11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel. 
> 12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree. 
> 13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said 
> "good up to 20 pounds. " 
> 14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that 
> the other swimmers were using their arms. 

> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> Mary Clancy went up to Father
> O'Grady after his Sunday morning
> Mass, and she was in tears.
> Father O'Grady said, "So, Mary Clancy,
> me girl,what bothering you?"
> She says, "Oh Father, I've got terrible
> news.  Me husband passed away last   night."
> The Priest said, "Oh, Mary, that's
> terrible.Tell me, Mary, did he have
> any   last requests?"
> "That he did, Father....."
> The Priest said, "What did he ask for,
> Mary, me girl?"
> She said, "His very last words, Father,
> was, please Mary, put down that
> damn gun....."

> An Irishman who had a little too
> much to drink was driving home
> from the city one night, and, of
> course, his car was weaving all
> over the road.
> A cop pulled him over.  "So," said
> the policeman to the driver, "where
> have you been?"
> "Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
> slurs the Irishman.
> "Well," says the cop, "it looks like
> you've had a bit too much to
> drink   this evening."
> "Aye, I have that all right," says
> the inebriated Irishman with a big
> smile.
> "Well, did you know," says the
> cop, standing straight and folding his
> arms across his chest, "that a few
> intersections back, your wife fell
> out    of your car?"
> "Oh, thank the Saints," sighed the
> Irishman, "Fer a few minutes
> there I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Not to be read if you live south of the mason-dixon line:

> =========
> Why do drivers education classes in Redneck
> schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and
> Fridays?
> Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed
> class uses it.
> =========
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
> northern zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal
> on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet 
dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before 
long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard 
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. 
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on 
the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with 
his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the 
dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there 
are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid 
stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. 
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." 
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, 
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection 
from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the 
leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey 
soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for 
himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and 
says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that 
conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his 
back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the 
dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them 
yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that 
monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring 
me another leopard, and he's still not back!!" 

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. 
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" 
"No," he replied, "I've never done either." 
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired 
the doctor. 
"No, I've never done any of those things either." 
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred 

Mrs. Spiegel was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused 
because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her 
personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. 
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince 
her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. 

"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil 
lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he 
gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the 
kitchen  for her birthday." 

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Spiegel, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong 

about capital punishment after all 

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a 
long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger 
pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his ticket down on the counter 
and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." 

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, 
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to 
work something out." 

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers 
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" 

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address 
microphone. "May I  have  your attention please?" she began, her voice 
bellowing throughout the  terminal.  "We have a passenger here at the 
gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his 
identity, please come to the gate." 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared 
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!" 

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have 
to stand in line for that, too! 

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