Men & ....
If Men Really Ruled The World
(from November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine)
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make
"Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of
the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier.
A smack to the ass and a
"Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time"
would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people
you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the
NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump
out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus
and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches
for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring,
you could present your wife-to-be with a
giant foam hand that said,
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th
so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day
off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in
advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill
and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car,
as long as you returned it the following day
with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real
Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket,
every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine.
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is,
I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red,
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Dave walks into the bar and sees his friend Jeff huddled over the bar,
depressed. Dave walks over and asks him what's wrong.
"Well," replies Jeff, "you know that beautiful girl at work
that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a smile.
"Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the
courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Dave, "when are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was
worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some sellotape and taped my
dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Dave.
"So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell.
And she answered it in the sheerest, tiniest teddy you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Jeff huddles over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
> > > > > 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her
> > > >
> > > > > spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him
> > > >
> > > > > constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
> > > >
> > > > > needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax, leaving
> > > >
> > > > > her mentally retarded.
> While enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his
> luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.
> To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks
> him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump
> into a taxi and go back to her place Later, the young man pulls out a
> cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable
> to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand."There might be some
> matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the
> drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on
> top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy
> begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No,
> silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?
> " "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is
> he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl
> takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's
> me before the operation."
THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back,
flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not
from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a
positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a
fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed
that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast
some 20 miles from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire
as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip
buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire
and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in
the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
(This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20,1998.)
STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars,
was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran
into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door.
The wife ran to the
phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill,
the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the
paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the
man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Since gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was
treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became
despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a
cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs
into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard
the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and
found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and
he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same
paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied
by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned
himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of
them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down
the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
(Taken from a Florida Newspaper.)
HAVING A BAD DAY?
Just remember, it could be worse.....
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild, amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, A killer whale ate
2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically
with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him
with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
3. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling
the two hapless protesters to death.
4. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was
the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
YOUR DAY ' S NOT SO BAD, IS IT?
> CARDS HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT....................
> > 1. So your daughter's a hooker,
> > and it spoiled your day.
> > Look at the bright side,
> > it's really good pay.
> > 2. My tire was thumping.
> > I thought it was flat.
> > When I looked at the tire.
> > I noticed your cat. Sorry!
> > 3. You had your bladder removed
> > and you're on the mend.
> > Here's a bouquet of flowers
> > and a box of Depends.
> > 4. You've announced that you're gay,
> > won't that be a laugh,
> > when they find out you're one
> > of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
> > 5. Happy Vasectomy!
> > Hope you feel zippy!
> > Cause when I had mine
> > I got real snippy.
> > 6. Heard your wife left you.
> > How upset you must be.
> > But don't fret about it.
> > She moved in with me
> > 7. You totalled your car.
> > And can't remember why.
> > Could it have been.
> > That whole case of Bud Dry?
> > MORE CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
> > "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
> > but wonder: What the f*** was I thinking?"
> > "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your
> > wife."
> > "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly
> > baby?"
> > "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
> > After having met you, I've changed my mind."
> > "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in
> > Hell til I met you."
> > "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here
> > to ruin it for me."
> > "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
> > "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
> > Like the need for therapy..."
> > "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was
> > before this!"
> > "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like
> > to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
> > "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
> > "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
> > "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now
> > that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
> > "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
> > friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
> > "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it
> > quits."
> > "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
> > "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out
> > who the father was?"
> > "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
> > there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and think of
> > often."
> > "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
> > birthday-so we're having you put to sleep."
> > >>
> My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make
> happy tonight."
> He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over
> doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
> It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
> shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed
> lawn like this?"
> Probably that I married you for your money," she replied
> The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
> A horsey," one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks.
> "A piggy," replies another youngster.
> "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer
> with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total
> "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What
> your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
> "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"
> A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the
> happiest woman in the world"
> The woman says: "I will surely miss you"
> Q : What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
> A : Reload and carry on shooting.
> Q : Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
> A : Because it only attacks the brain.
> Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> A : A rumour.
> Q: What takes longer to make - a snowman or snowwoman?
> A : The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head first.
> Q : What is the difference between a Yeti and an intelligent man?
> A : It is believed that a Yeti has been sighted.
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a
picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he
has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how
you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy
catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course
only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his
the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm..
suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I
check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in
computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because
only has one eye and one ear."
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