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Things You Should Know About Women Part I:

Women love to shop. 
It is the one area of the world where
they feel like they're actually in control.

Women especially love a bargain. 
The question of 'need' is irrelevant; 
so don't bother pointing  it out. 
Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. 
Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; 
you 'just don't understand'.

Women need to cry. 
And they won't do it alone unless they
know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no 
right answer, in an effort to trap you into 
feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. 
Silence intimidates them and they feel a
need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off 
than they are. 
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are
so successful.

Women hate bugs. 
Even the strong-willed ones need a man
around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

Women can't keep secrets. 
They eat away at them from the inside. 
And they don't view it as being untrustworthy,
providing they only tell two or three people.

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. 
It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, 
no matter what she's doing. 
It might be the lottery calling.

Women never understand why men love toys. 
Men understand that they wouldn't need toys 
if women had an 'on/off' switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep three different shampoos and two different
conditioners in the shower. 
After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a 
tropical rain forest.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. 
Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. 
Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible 
things could be.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, 
he'll pack five days worth of clothes 
and will wear some things twice; 
if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 
outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel 
like wearing each day.

Women brush their hair before bed.

Women are paid less than men, 
except for one field: 
Modelling.

Women are never wrong. 
Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 
'It's there in the Bible'. 
Hmmm, who was it
that gave Adam the apple?

Women do not know anything about cars. 
'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

Women have better restrooms. 
They get the nice chairs and red carpet. 
Men just get a large bowl to share.

The average number of items in a typical woman's 
bathroom is 437. 
A man would not be able to identify most of these 
items.

Women love cats. 
Men say they love cats, 
but when women aren't looking, 
men kick cats.

---------------------




Two Arkansans are having the blue-plate special at their favorite
diner when they hear an awful choking sound. They turn around to see a
woman a few barstools down, turning blue from wolfing down
a possum burger too fast.

The first hillbilly says to the other, "Think we oughta help?" "I
reckon," says the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly walks over to the woman and asks, "Kin yew breathe? She
shakes her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" She shakes head no.

With that, he helps her to her feet, spins her around, lifts up her skirt
and licks her on the rear end.
She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and is able to breathe.
The first hillbilly turns back to his friend and says, "That there
Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time!"





 LITTLE JOHNNY'S AT IT AGAIN


Philosophy:  A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a 
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"  She calls on little 
Johnny.  He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."  The 
teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."  Then 
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.  There are three women 
sitting on a bench having ice cream.  One is delicately licking the sides of 
the triple scoop of ice cream.  The second is gobbling down the top and 
sucking the cone.  The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.  Which 
one is married?"  The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I 
suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."  To which 
Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring 
on...but I like your thinking."

Math Class:  Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in 
arithmetic.  "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?'  
I said '6'"  "But that's right!"  "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"  
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.  "That's what I said!"

English:  Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are 
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a 
multi-syllable word?"  Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, 
me!"  Miss Rogers: "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable 
word?"  Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says,  
"Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."  Little Johnny says, "No, Miss 
Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Grammar:  Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he 
needed to go to the bathroom.  He yelled out,  "Miss Jones, I need to take a 
piss!!"  The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to 
use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'u r in ate.'  
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you 
to go."  Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "U are an eight, but if 
you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Beautiful:  One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for 
a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same 
sentence twice.  First, she called on little  Suzie, who responded with,  "My 
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."  
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.  
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he 
said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.  "Last 
night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, 
and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!'




Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
 where the devil is waiting for him. 
 
 "I have a problem," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no
 room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
 going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
 I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let
 you decide who leaves." 
 
 That sounded good to so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted
 Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty
 handed. Over and over and over. 
 
 Such was his fate in hell. 
 
 "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I 
 could not do that all day long.  Let Ted stay." 
 
 In the next room was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of
 rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time. 
 
 "No, said Bill, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
 constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.  Let Newt stay."
  
 The devil opened a third door. In it was Ken Starr lying on the floor with
 his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose.
 Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took
 this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." 
 
 The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go." 




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