> WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T
> 1. So your daughter's a hooker,
> and it spoiled your day.
> Look at the bright side,
> it's really good pay.
> 2. My tire was thumping.
> I thought it was flat.
> When I looked at the tire.
> I noticed your cat. Sorry !
> 3. You had your bladder removed
> and you're on the mend.
> Here's a bouquet of flowers
> and a box of Depends.
> 4. You've announced that you're gay,
> won't that be a laugh,
> when they find out you're one
> of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
> 5. Happy Vasectomy !
> Hope you feel zippy !
> Cause when I had mine
> I got real snippy.
> 6. Heard your wife left you.
> How upset you must be.
> But don't fret about it.
> She moved in with me.
> 7. You totaled your car.
> And can't remember why.
> Could it have been.
> That whole case of Bud Dry ?
>SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
> "Looking back over the years that we've
> been together, I can't help but wonder:
>What the f*** was I thinking ?"
> "Congratulations on your wedding day ! Too
> bad no one likes your wife."
> "How could two people as beautiful as you
>have such an ugly baby?"
> "I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
>someone to love.
> After having met you, I've changed my mind."
> "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
>I never believed in Hell til I met you."
> "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I
> am that you're not
> here to ruin it for me."
> "Thanks for being a part of my life ! ! !
>I never knew what evil was before this !"
> "Congratulations on your promotion.
>Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back.
>You'll probably need it again."
> "Someday I hope to get married, but not to
> "Happy Birthday ! You look great for your
>"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
>Now that we've broke up,
> I think it's time you kept your promise."
> "I knew the day would come when you would
>leave me for my best friend.
>So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
> "We have been friends for a very long time,
>what say we call it quits."
>"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost
> like you're here."
> "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
>Did you ever find out who the father was ?"
> "You are such a good friend that if we were
> on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.......
>I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
> "Your friends and I wanted to do something special
>for your birthday-- so we're having you put to sleep."
>"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad ! !" ( available
> only in Kentucky OR UTAH)
> "Sis, arn't we proud of our baby ?
>" (available only in Arkansas )
You have just received the Amish virus.
Since the Amish don't use electricity and have no computers, you will
be on the honor system.
First forward this message to everyone in your address book,
then delete all of the files on your hard drive.
Military preparedness--attn: GWB
Subject: Protecting our shores!
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio
conversation of a US Naval ship and the
Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of
Naval Operations 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees
to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15
degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert
your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy
ship. I say again, divert your course.
CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, You will have
to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS
LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Subject: WHO SAYS REDNECKS AIN'T REAL SMART?
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes, what do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday Buddy!"
>The Honeymoon is Over!
>A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
>When they got back, the bride immediately called her
>"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
>"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was
>wonderful! So romantic!"
>No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out
>crying. "But mamma . . .
>as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most
>He's been saying things I've never heard before! All
>these awful 4-letter words!
>You've got to come get me and take me home... please
>"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down!
>Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words
>has he been using?"
>"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the
>daughter. "I'm so embarrassed!
>They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and
>take me home... please mamma!"
>"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset
>. . .
>Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
>Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . .
>he used words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
> > > Subject: FW: Simple Math
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > MATHEMATICS
> > > > > Smart man + smart woman = romance
> > > > > Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> > > > > Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> > > > > Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> > > >
> > > > > OFFICE ARITHMETIC
> > > > > Smart boss + smart employee = profit
> > > > > Smart boss + dumb employee = production
> > > > > Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
> > > > > Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > > GENERAL EQUATIONS STATISTICS
> > > > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> > > > > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> > > > > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
> > > > > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> > > >
> > > > > HAPPINESS
> > > > > To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
> > > > > little...
> > > > To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
> > > > > understand her at all.
> > > > >
> > > > > MEMORY
> > > > > Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's
> > > > > no use in two people remembering the same thing.
> > > > >
> > > > > APPEARANCE
> > > > > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> > > > > Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> > > >
> > > > > PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
> > > > > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
> > > > > marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
> > > > >
> > > > > DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
> > > > > A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
> > > > > that is the beginning of a new argument.
> > >
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics
101 was the constant
conversion from feet and inches to the
metric system, including all its Newton's, Joules,
and Watts, here are some
other useful conversions:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical
mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because
less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line
454 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing
at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision.
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