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PG humor

The Perfect Breakfast:
* You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of
* Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
* Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Four men went golfing one day.Three of them headed to the first tee
and  the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free,"
The second man said, "my son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multiline dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes,
fully loaded," The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged,
"My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend
an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care
of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons.
yours doing?"  The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a 
The other three men grew silent as he continued.
"I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing
good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a
stock portfolio.

Flying, anyone?

Rules Of The Air

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get
smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back,
then they get bigger

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were
down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it
stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which
they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle
of arrival. Large angle
of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another
airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report
that mountains have been
known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. 
Unfortunately no one knows what
they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the
bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can
hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not
at all as they should

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour and
the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's
not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
runway behind you, and
a tenth of a second ago.

Women should not have children after 35. 
Really...35 children are enough 

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents 
at bowling alleys. 

After all is said and done, 
usually more is said than done. 

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, 
therefore I am perfect. 

I married my wife for her looks... 
but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 

Isn't it funny how the mood can be 
ruined so quickly by just one busted condom? 

"No one ever says "It's only a game," 
when their team is winning." 

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: 

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come 
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" 

"How come we choose from just two people 
for president and 50 for Miss America?" 

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, 
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining 
about being broke and not feeling well? 

On my first day of school my parents dropped 
me off at the wrong nursery. 
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 

Marriage changes passion... 
suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 

Why is it that most nudists are people 
you don't want to see naked? 

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra...  
now I've got hair like Don King. 

I earn a seven-figure salary.  
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. 

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: 
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 
thirty percent of the people in this world. 

I just got back from a pleasure trip - 
I drove my wife to the airport! 

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years
...then we met. 

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear 
Mom's wise words: 
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." 

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high 
school was my blood alcohol content. 

Home is where you can say anything you 
like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. 

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know 
me here. 

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 
'Guess' on it.  I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" 

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get 
the same effect just by standing up really fast." 

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 

Dyslexia means never having 
to say that you're yrros. 

If flying is so safe, why do they 
call the airport the 'terminal'? 

I see your IQ test results were negative. 

Regular naps prevent old age..... 
especially if you take them while driving. 

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never 
had it, chances are you won't either. 

I don't approve of political jokes... 
I've seen too many of them get elected. 

How much can I get away with 
and still go to heaven? 

I think your problem is low self-esteem. 
It is very common among losers." 

If women can have PMS, 
then men can have ESPN. 

The most precious thing we have is life.  
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, 
you might as well keep the first. 

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; 
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. 

Travel is very educational.  I can now say 
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages. 

> A frog telephones the Psychic Hot line and is told,
> "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will
> want to know everything about you." 
> The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a
> party, or what?" 
> "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could
think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that
the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read ...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

And finally, for my critics:

A Lesson to Be Learned

 There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day,  when
she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
 Since it had  been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger
pangs, she flew  down to the irresistible delicacy and
                                       began to munch out.

                                           She ate...

                                           and ate...

                                           and then...

                                       she ate some more!!!

 Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her
tiny front legs, belched a few times, and then attempted
 to fly  away. But alas,...she had pigged out far too much and could not
get off  the ground. She looked around wondering what
        to do about this  unpleasant situation when she spotted a
pitchfork leaning upright against  the barn wall.

                                      She'd found a solution!!

                    She realized if she could just become airborne she'd
be able to fly  again.

  So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there,
she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and
             leaped confidently into the air.   She dropped like a rock
and splattered all over the floor.....

                                          Dead Fly.....

                                    The Moral of this sad story?

                         "Never fly off the handle when you know you're full 
of shit."

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