Re: Catholic Dictionary & Others (mostly clean)
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- Subject: Re: Catholic Dictionary & Others (mostly clean)
- From: ShayDguy@aol.com
- Date: Mon, 29 May 2000 21:55:23 EDT
> > Thought you might enjoy this and can relate!!!
> > The Catholic Dictionary
> > -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> > AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
> > BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2.
> > air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
> > CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
> > to lip-sync.
> > HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
> > HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
> > of the congregation's range.
> > RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more
> > since most of the people have already left.
> > INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
> > JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges
> > good basketball teams.
> > JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
> > JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
> > KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
> > besides gyros and baklava.
> > MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
> > MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered
> > an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always
> > rough.
> > PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
> > PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,
> > altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
> > RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led
> > parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
> > RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
> > when to sit, kneel, and stand.
> > TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
> > Letterman.
> > USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
> > a pew.
> > >>
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to
pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of
time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly
responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the
male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group
said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price
of the female brains, because they've been used."
> > > >> > Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all
> > > >> > brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
> > > >> > tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the
> > > >> > bottom level of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top
> > > >> >
> > > >> > The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a
> > > >> > great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear
> > > >> > anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and
> > > >> > investigate.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes
> > > >> > frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and
> > > >> > clutching the seats in front of them.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're
> > > >> > having a great time downstairs!"
> > > >> >
> > > >> > One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a
> > > >> > driver!
> Things You'll Never Hear Men Say
> 1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf***er.
> 2. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
> 3. Her tits are just too big.
> 4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
> 5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
> 6. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
> 7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and
> I can hold your purse.
> 8. F*** Monday Night Football, let's watch Ally.
> 9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
> 10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
> 11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
> 12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
> 13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
> 14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
> >> when she's getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her.
> 15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
> 16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at
> >> them any more.
> 17. I understand.
> 18. This movie has too much nudity.
> 19. Damn, we're late for church!
> 20. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.
> 21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
> 22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake
These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
> > >> >>leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
> > >> >>finished.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
> > >> >>we're not here. So, leave a message.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
> > >> >>sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
> > >> >>my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If
> > >> >>are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't
> > >> >>have plenty of money.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>4. Hi. Now you say something.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you
> > >> >>talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
> > >> >>
> > >> >>7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a
> > >> >>"sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
> > >> >>
> > >> >>8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken This is his refrigerator.
> > >> >>Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
> > >> >>message to myself with one of these magnets.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
> > >> >>messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and
> > >> >>their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office
> > >> >>do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
> > >> >>name and number and they will get back to you.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought
> > >> >>recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number
> > >> >>and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your
> > >> >>
> > >> >>11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
> > >> >>Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
> > >> >>Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
> > >> >>weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
> > >> >>aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
> > >> >>silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
> > >> >>right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
> > >> >>doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
> > >> >>slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth
> > >> >>we'll get back to you.
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in,
and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby
is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has
the...er...features... of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a
penis......AND a brain?" >>
>58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
> 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
> 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
> 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
> 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
> 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
> 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
> 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
> 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
> 9. Stud Tires Out
>10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
>11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
>12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
>13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
>14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
>15. Eye Drops off Shelf
>16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
>17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
>18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
>19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
>20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
>21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
>22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
>23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
>24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
>25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
>26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
>27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
>28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
>29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
>30. War Dims Hope for Peace
>31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
>32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
>33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
>34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
>35. Deer Kill 17,000
>36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
>37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
>38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
>39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
>40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
>41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
>42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
>43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
>44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
>45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
>46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
>47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
>48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
>49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
>50. Air Head Fired
>51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
>52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
>53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
>54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
>55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
>56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
>57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
>58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they
came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following
symbols in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a
fish, and a Star of David.
They decided that this was an amazing
discovery and the writings must be at least several thousand years old.
They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to
the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to
study the ancient symbols. After months of careful study and
conference was held to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society stood up, pointed at the
first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge
that this race was family oriented and held women in great esteem.
You can also tell they were highly intelligent. Since the
next symbol resembles a donkey, they must have been smart enough to have
help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some
means they even had tools to help em. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish,
which means that if a famine hit the earth and food did not grow, they
would turn to
the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which
means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically in response to the
scholar's great wisdom and intellectual insight.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room
"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, 'Holy
Mackerel, Dig The Ass on that Chick'!"
Women's revenge for all those sexist jokes........
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. When would you want a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go,
they take your house and car.
> > How Yodeling was Invented
> > Many many years ago, a man was traveling through
> > Switzerland at night and had nowhere to sleep.
> > asked a farmer if he could spend the night in
> the barn
> > and the farmer agreed
> > The farmer's daughter asked the farmer, "Who was
> that man
> > going into the barn?"
> > "Some fellow needed a place to stay," answered
> the farmer.
> > "so I said that he could sleep in the barn."
> > The daughter asked "Did you offer the man
> anything to eat?"
> > The farmer hadn't, so the daughter said, "Well,
> I'm going to
> > take him some food."
> > The daughter was in the barn for an hour before
> returning to
> > the house, her clothes all disheveled and
> buttoned up wrong,
> > with several strands of straw tangled up in her
> long blonde
> > hair. She immediately went to her bedroom to
> > A little later the farmer's wife came down and
> asked the farmer
> > why their daughter went to bed so early.
> > "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man
> that he could
> > sleep in the barn and she took him some food."
> > "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"
> > The farmer hadn't, so the wife said, "I'm going
> to take
> > something out there for him to drink."
> > The wife was in the barn for over an hour before
> returning to
> > the house with her clothes messed up and straw
> twisted into
> > her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs
> and into bed.
> > The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn
> got up and
> > continued on his journey, waving to the farmer
> as he left the farm.
> > A few hours later, the daughter woke up and went
> right to the
> > barn, only to find it empty. "Where's the man
> from the barn?"
> > she eagerly asked the farmer.
> > Her father answered, "He left several hours
> > "What?" she cried. "He left without saying good
> > After all we had together? I mean, last night
> he made
> > such passionate love to me!"
> > "What?" shouted the father. "He took advantage
> of you?"
> > And the farmer ran out into the front yard
> looking for the
> > man but by now the man was halfway up the side
> of the
> > mountain.
> > The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get
> > You had sex with my daughter!"
> > The man looked back down from the mountainside,
> > cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled
> > (You ready for this?)
> > (It's good!)
> > "I laid the old laDEE, too!"
> > So that is how yodeling was invented.
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were for people
submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are the finalists:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning
from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When
told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
discuss it with the employees." Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo
the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive
president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I
told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophilia?) working in her
company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
be fired - and the word pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was
fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and
a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry.
would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came
directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday
Newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In
accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting
words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
Cows on the country side
A city man was tooling down a country road when
his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field
filled with cows.
The driver, getting out to see what was the matter,
noticed one of the cows looking at him.
"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.
The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker
He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on
"A cow just gave me advice about my car!"
he shouted, waving his arms frantically back toward
The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door
frame to glance down the field.
"The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer
That's the one!"
the excited man replied.
"Oh Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to
"Don't pay any attention to her.
She doesn't know a thing about cars."
Thanks Chase for
The new nun goes to her first confession.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe
in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says,
"That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette.
Say five Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and
do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
Thanks Lori for
While out one morning in the park,
a jogger found a brand new tennis ball,
and seeing nobody around,
he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home,
he stopped at a pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.
A blonde standing next to him saw the large
bulge in his shorts.
she asked,... with her eyes gleaming lustfully.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically,
"that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once!"
The big sale
It was the day of the big sale.
Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper)
were the main reason for the long line that formed in front
of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line,
only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw,
& knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end
of the line, "That does it!
If they hit me one more time,
I'm not opening the store!"
Are they relatives of yours?
A young couple drove several miles down a country road,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument,
and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs,
the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they
relatives of .yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied.
"I married into the family."
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering
out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the
blinking wing-tip light.
Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said,
"but I think you should inform the pilot that his
left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
"So, miss, can you tell me your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for
about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh ..22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one
to break the ice.
"And can you tell me your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring
tape from her handbag.
She then traps one end under her foot and extends the
tape to the top of her head.
She checks the measurement and announces,
"Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes
for the real basics.
"And just to confirm for our records, your
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for
about twenty seconds, mouthing something
silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage,
so he asks,
"Just out of curiosity,
I can understand your counting on your fingers to
work out your age,
and the measuring tape for your height is obvious,
but what were you doing bobbing your head when
I asked you your name?"
"Oh that!" replies the blonde,
"That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you...'"
One summer day, my wife and I invited relatives
for a cookout and a swim.
My young nephew and I were having a conversation
when suddenly he said,
"I wish you were my dad."
Taken aback, I began musing that because I enjoy
children I'd probably be a wonderful father.
And then he added,
"You have a pool."
> A scientist finds evidence of a dinosaur, alive and
> living in the rainforests of South America. He
> campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting
> a grant to launch an expedition.
> Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble
> upon a 3-foot tall pigmy standing near a 300-foot long
> dead dinosaur.
> The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Did
> you kill this dinosaur?"
> "Yep!" replied the pigmy.
> "But, it's so big and you're so small!"
> "Yep!" replied the pigmy.
> "How on Earth did you kill it?" inquired the
> "With my club," replied the pigmy.
> "How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.
> The pigmy replied, "Well, there are about a hundred of
> The Rules of Chocolate
> If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands,
> you're eating it too slowly.
> Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
> strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you
> The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home
> from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in
> the parking lot.
> Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
> take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
> If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top
> of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and
> they will jump out of the chocolate to protect
> If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
> chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they
> actually counteract each other?
> Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
> Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make
> you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more
> Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
> to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
> A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
> intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that
> If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in
> the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate,
> what's wrong with you?
> If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
> control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry
> would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can
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