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Definately "R" rated

  • Subject: Definately "R" rated
  • From: ShayDguy@aol.com
  • Date: Sat, 5 May 2001 08:02:02 EDT

> >  Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
> >  ---------------------------------------
> >  Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
> that men
> >  should take a look at their beer consumption,
> considering
> >  the results of a recent analysis that revealed
> the presence
> >  of female hormones in beer. The theory is that
> drinking beer
> >  makes men turn into women.
> >
> >  To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of
> beer each.
> >  It was then observed that 100% of the men gained
> weight, talked
> >  excessively without making sense, became overly
> emotional,
> >  couldn't drive, failed to think rationally,
> argued over nothing,
> >  and refused to apologize when wrong.
> >
> >  No further testing is planned.
> >
> >
> >Bonus Joke:
> >
> >  Wise Advice
> >  -----------
> >  A young man who was also an avid golfer found
> himself with a few
> >  hours to  spare one afternoon. He figured if he
> hurried and played
> >  very fast, he could  get in 9 holes before he had
> to head home.
> >  Just as he was about to tee off an  old gentleman
> shuffled onto
> >  the tee and asked if he could accompany the young
>  man as he was
> >  golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he
> allowed the old
> >  gent to join him.
> >
> >  To his surprise the old man played fairly
> quickly. He didn't hit
> >  the ball  far, but plodded along consistently and
> didn't waste
> >  much time. Finally, they  reached the 9th fairway
> and the young
> >  man found himself with a tough shot.  There was a
> large pine tree
> >  right in front of his ball and it was directly 
> between his ball
> >  and the green. After several minutes of debating
> how to hit  the
> >  shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I
> was your age I'd
> >  hit the ball right over that tree."
> >
> >  With that challenge placed before him, the
> youngster swung hard,
> >  hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the
> tree trunk and
> >  it thudded back on the ground not a foot from
> where it had
> >  originally lay. The old man offered one  more
> comment, "Of course,
> >  when I was your age that pine tree was only 3
> feet tall."
> 


A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died 
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to 
get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife 
to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into 
our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use 
it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to 
her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it 
needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start. 

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. 

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. 

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mir- 
ror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should 
have been a bit clearer with my directions... 




POLISH AIRPLANE CRASH TRAGEDY
Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a
small two seat Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery
this morning in central  Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826
bodies so  far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the  night




 MORE DUMB STATE LAWS
>
> Illinois --
> It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
>
> Indiana --
> It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
>
> Iowa --
> Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.
>
> Kansas --
> At the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, a person in an automobile is
> required to get out of their vehicle, fire 3 shotgun rounds into the air,
> and the get back into their vehicle and proceed through the intersection.
>
> Kentucky --
> By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot
hold
> onto the ground."
>
> Louisiana --
> It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a
water
> pistol.
>
> Maine --
> You may not step out of a plane in flight.
>
> Maryland --
> It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
>
> Massachusetts --
> No one may take a bath without a prescription.
>
> Michigan --
> There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs,
cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
>
> Minnesota --
> A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop their >    head.
>
> Mississippi --
> It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.
>
> Missouri --
> Worrying squirrels is not tolerated.
>





How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the
time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to
support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary
things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she
starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's
told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
 Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding ring, Suffer-Ring.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and
rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has
rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.







There's an oversexed lady named Whyte,
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar,
Had the brashness to wed her,
His chance of survival is slight.


"I'm sick of Tchaikovsky," said May,
"And this Handel and Bach that we play."
So she put down her fiddle,
And diddled her middle,
"It's time for Depussy I say."


There was this young fellow from Yale,
Whose face was exceedingly pale.
He spent his vacation,
In self-masturbation,
Because of the high price of tail.




Is Your Mind In The Gutter? Take this quiz to find out!
(answers to these questions can be found below)

1).  What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
intercourse?

2).  What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3).  What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long,
has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4).  What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5).  Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one
of which is a word for a woman?

6).  What does a dog do that you can step into?

7).  What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you
can't get one you can use your hands?

8).  What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl
fat?

9).  What four-letter word ends in "it" and is found on the bottom of
birdcages?

10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than
on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?

(answers to these questions can be found below)

------------------------------



------------------------------

ANSWERS:
1.    (talk)
2.    (legs)
3.    (a twenty dollar bill)
4.    (firetruck)
5.    (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6.    (pants)
7.    (fork)
8.    (Almond Joy candy bar)
9.    (grit)
10.   (last name)




Some old - some new - all worth a smile.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion
allowed per passenger."

 2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low
earth
orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the
lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in
the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak
and heat
it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in
the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store,saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they
did
so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.

10. And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to
friends,
in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.






   > He said... "Want a quickie?"
   > She said..."As opposed to what?"
   >
   > He said... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in
   > it."
   > She said..."You wear briefs, don't you?"
   >
   > He said... "Do you love me just because my father left me a
   >                  fortune?"
   > She said..."Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left
you the
   > money."
   >
   > She said..."I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee-start
   >                  packing!"
   > He said... "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
   > She said..."Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time
I get
   > there"
   >
   > He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
   > She said..."No problem, I'll get you something that is."
   >
   > She said..."What do you mean by coming home half drunk?"
   > He said... "It's not my fault...I ran out of money."
   >
   > He said... "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to
   you
   > in the worst way."
   > She said..."Well, you succeeded."
   >
   > He said... "If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then
   >                  we could manage without the cook. And if you
cleaned
   >                  the house, we could fire the maid as well."
   > She said..."Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly
we
   >                  would do without the gardener too"
   >
   > Priest... "I don't think you will ever find another man like your
late
   >               husband."
   > She said..."Who's gonna look?"
   >
   > He said... "You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have
you
   ever
   > been mistaken for a man?"
   > She said..."No, have you?"
   >
   > He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave
   you?"
   > She said..."Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
   >
   > He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
   > She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light
   > on."
   >
   > He said... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
   > She said..."I would, but you're never there."
   >
   > He said... "Shall we try changing positions tonight?"
   > She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
   >                  while I sit on the sofa and fart."
   >



>In the Dim and Distant past
>When Life's Tempo Wasn't So Fast,
>Grandma Used to Rock and Knit,
>Crochet, Bake and Baby Sit.
>When the Kids Were in a Jam
>They Could Always Call on Gram.
>
>But Today She's in the Gym
>Exercising to Keep Slim.
>Traveling to Some Far off Place,
>Seeing the World at a Furious Pace.
>She's Checking the Web or Surfing the Net,
>Sending Some E-mail or Placing a Bet.
>Nothing Seems to Stop or Block Her,
>Now That Grandma's off Her Rocker.






> Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away
> from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister
> Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the
> brandy." 
> 
> "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could
> never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in
> my life!" 
> 
> "Oh, Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother
> Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her
> constipation, you know." 
> 
> So Jack sold her the brandy.  Later that night, Jack
> closed the store and walked home. As he passed the
> nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine.
> And she was snookered.  She was singing and dancing,
> whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird,
> right there on the sidewalk.  A crowd was gathering.
> Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary
> Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the
> Mother Superior's constipation!" 
> 
> Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she
> replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is.......
> When she sees me like this, she's gonna shit.
> 
> __________________________________



Groaner:


> Lost on a rainy night, a traveler stumbles across a 
> monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately,
> she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the
> best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she 
> goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met 
> by two brothers:
>  
> "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother 
> Charles."
>  
> "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank
> you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were
> the best I've ever tasted.  Out of curiosity, who
> cooked what?"
>  
> Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
>  
> She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you 
> must be....?"
>  
> "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."!
> 




> A C-141A Starlifter had been delayed for takeoff for
> over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland,
> because it's sewage container had not been pumped out.
> An Airman meandered up to the aircraft with the
> containment pump, fiddled around for a while, then got
> ready to leave.
> 
> The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander
> confronted the Airman, and stated, "You have caused me
> to be over an hour late for takeoff. I'll see that you
> are not only reprimanded, but punished as well!" 
> 
> The young Airman smiled and said, "Sir, with all due
> respect..., I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule,
> Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping
> shit out of an airplane. Just what kind of punishment
> do you have in mind?"
> 




Food 4 thought(?)


> The Sex Therapist is in..
> 
> Bob and his wife Gloria are having marital problems
> and decide to see a sex therapist for help. The first
> thing the therapist says is "Drop your pants.  Let's
> have a look."  The couple does as they're told and
> therapist looks them up and down.
> 
> After a careful examination of them both he says "OK.
> I can help get that spark back in your marriage.
> Here's what you do: On your way home stop at the
> grocery store and buy a bag of grapes and a box of
> doughnuts. When you get home, take off all of your
> clothes and sit on the floor across the room from each
> other and facing each other. Now, Bob, you take the
> grapes, roll them across the floor one by one and try
> to get one in your wife's vagina. When you get one in,
> crawl along the floor to her and retrieve the grape
> with your tongue. Gloria, you take the doughnuts and
> play "ring-toss" with Bob. When you get one over his
> penis, crawl along the floor and slowly eat the
> doughnut. When you're done that, you'll have that
> spark you thought you'd lost."
> 
> Bob and Gloria go home and try this therapy. To their
> surprise they have the best sex they've had in years!
> The next day Bob's friend Tom confides in him that he
> and his wife, Lori, are having marital problems.
> Immediately Bob speaks up and says "Tom, you and Lori
> have to go to this therapist.  Guaranteed he can help
> you!  He helped Gloria and me."
> 
> So Tom takes his wife and goes to see the therapist.
> The first thing the therapist says is "Ok. Drop your
> pants. Let's have a look at you both."  Tom and Lori
> do as they're told and the therapist looks them up and
> down.
> 
> The therapist frowns and says "I'm sorry but there's
> nothing I can do for you." 
> 
> "What?! " yells Tom.  But my friend said that you
> could help us...guaranteed! Isn't there anything you
> can do for us?" 
> 
> "Well", says the therapist, "Ok. Here's what you do.
> On your way home, stop at the grocery store and pick
> up a bag of grapefruit and a box of Cheerios...."
> 





THE MITZVAH = Doing A Good Deed

A very good and pious Jewish, Samuel Goldberg, man
dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the
gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him
to heaven.

When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well,
this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at
your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no
sins. All I can see looking at page after page is
mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional
person your whole life, you married a decent woman,
your children turned out to be respected members of
the community, you've always paid your debts on
time...
...nothing but mitzvahs. Now, other than God, only the
angels have no sins.

I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit
you to heaven because you're a human being and human
beings commit sins."

The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you
back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you
have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to
anything drastic,  just something that will go on your
record as a sin."

The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on
the street in front of his home. Approaching him on
the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, an 79 year old
widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great
difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to
help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering
that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to
heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go 
flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs
to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit
every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.

Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his
clothes back on. Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky
says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah
you've just done."






Julie went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one
of the new
doctors, but after about four minutes in the
examination room, she 
burst
out, screaming. As she ran down the hall, an older
doctor stopped and
asked her what the problem was, and she explained what
was wrong. He 
had
her sit down and relax in another room. The older
doctor marched back 
to
the new doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with
you? Mrs.Jones 
is a
35 year old, she has four  children, her husband had a
vasectomy and 
you
told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled
smugly as he 
continued
to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though,
didn't I?" 






Guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation
and eventually 
asks
the hooker, "How much do you charge? " Hooker replies,
"It starts at
$500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy Moly! No
hand-job is 
worth
that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the
corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that - Do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own
those. And I own
them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy
says, "What the
hell? You only live once, I'll give it a try." They
retire to a nearby
motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the
bed realizing 
that
he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth
every bit of 
$500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is
$1000?"

The hooker replies, "$1500." "$1500!?

My God! No blow-job could be worth that! A
televangelist wouldn't pay
that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big
boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street? I own that casino
outright. And I
own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every
cent of $1500." 
The
guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific
hand-job, decides to 
put
off the new car for another year or so, and says,
"Sign me up." Ten
minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed
than before. He 
can
scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his
money's worth. He
decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
glorious and
unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want
to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas
is laid out 
before
us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and
showplaces?" The
guy says, in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?"

The hooker replies, "No. But I would if I had a pussy
! !



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