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Jokes--Some good, ....

  • Subject: Jokes--Some good, ....
  • From: ShayDguy@aol.com
  • Date: Sun, 13 May 2001 10:51:03 EDT

>  >Three guys died in a car crash and went to heaven. When they arrived,
>  >St.
>  > > Peter warned them as they entered heaven, "We only have
>  > > one rule... don't step on the holy ducks."
>  > > They entered heaven and saw ducks everywhere, and it was almost
>  >impossible
>  > > not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally stepped on one
> >within
>  > > minutes, St Peter came to him with the ugliest woman he had ever
>  >seen .
>  > > "You stepped on a holy duck.", said St Peter, and then he chained
>  >them
>  > > together.  "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman
> >forever.",
>  > > he said.
>  > >     The next day the second guy squashed a holy duck...Sure enough,
>  >St
> >Peter
>  > > came with an even uglier woman and chained them together...
>  > > The third guy decided that he would be very careful. He went
>  >months
>  >and
>  > > months without stepping on any ducks. One day St Peter came
>  >toward him
>  > > with this gorgeous
>  > > woman... blonde hair, blue eyes, great figure,
>  > > large chest and wearing only a fig leaf. The woman is everything
>  >that the
>  > > third man had ever  dreamed of.  St Peter chained them together and
> >left
>  > > without a word.
>  > >     The grinning chap remarked to the blonde, "I wonder what I did
>  >to
>  > > deserve THIS, you are the prettiest woman I have ever seen".
>  > > She replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"

Don't Be An Oxymoron...

-Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

-If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

-The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

-Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

-Prejudiced people are all alike.

-What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?

-Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.

-Evil is not all bad.

-I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

-Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.

-There's no such thing as nonexistence.

-Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.

-As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into

-He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.

-I disagree with unanimity.

-I have my doubts about disbelief.

-Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

-One should never generalize.

-Avoid clichés like the plague.

-Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

-On one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.

-I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.

-Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

-Death to all fanatics!

-An oral contract isn't worth the paper it’s written on.

-If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

-I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

-I always wanted to be a procrastinator!

-Rehab is for quitters!

-The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

-Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.

-Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever.

-My identity lies in not knowing who I am.

-I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my

-I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

-Free advice is worth what you paid for it.

-I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I
believe it.

-Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words
than necessary.

-There are only three kinds of people: people who can count and people who

-Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.


Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in
the middle
of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot
of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches
his folks
in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims
"Oh, boy!
Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
relieved that Johnny's not asking more
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to
break his
stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts
going to
town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and

Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is
the part
where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

The minister of a small congregation was about to
start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the
front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost
hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to
the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to
speak to the woman after everyone else left the

When they were alone, the reverend said in his
sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like

"Why reverend." the young woman replied, "all of my
boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing
when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing
his head between her tits. After several minutes, he
raised his head and said.

"I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not reverend." she said. "You're not
plugged in yet."

--------- HOW  OLD  ARE  YOU ? ------------------------------
...................How many of these do you remember??????
1. Bazooka chewing gum
2. Little wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
3. Television broadcasts ending at night then not coming on until late
4. Pot Bellied Stove in the middle of your living room
5. Hamburger joints with table side jukebox players
6. Prayer every morning in School
7. Telephone "party lines"
8. Wash Boards
9. Slingshots
10. Butchers wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-3-6933)
12. Telephone numbers with only five numbers (2-4454)
13. Telephone numbers with four or less numbers (4452) (452) (52) (2)
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Television test patterns
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. "The Amos and Andy Show" (radio or TV!)
21. "The Shadow" (radio drama show)
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-in movie theaters
24. Studebakers (they were automobiles)
25. Cords (they were automobiles)
26. Hi-Fi's (NOT stereo)
27. The television day beginning and ending with The Star Spangled
28. Candy cigarettes
29. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.
30. Outdoor movies at some Grocery stores shown on their building wall.
31. Wash tub wringers
32. Mimeograph paper
33. Roller skate keys
34. Newsreels shown before the movie
35. Peashooters
36. The Howdy Doody Show
37. Outside Privies  (outdoor toilets)
38. Natural chalk boards in school rooms (with uneven writing surface)
39. Vinilla Phosphate was a cool Fountain soda flavor.
40. The School Teacher starting each day reading the Bible at School.

-----       If you remembered  0-5 = You're still young
-----       If you remembered  6-10 = You are getting older
----- If you remembered  11-15 = You're getting up there in age.
-----       If you remembered  16-20 = You're collecting Social Security

-----       If you remembered  21-25 = You're lucky to remember so long
----- If you remembered  26-30 = No one will ever believe you
this long.
-----       If you remembered  31-35 = You should be thanking God you
this long.
-----       If you remembered  36-40 = You're older than Dirt !!!

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the
medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest
of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition?
This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS!'"

>  The 65 year old and his new 18 year old bride check into the resort hotel
> for their honeymoon.
>  The next morning, about 6am the old man comes down to the coffee shop in
> running shorts and tanktop, orders a full breakfast and coffee. "Going out
> jogging this morning" he tells the waiter. And takes off out the door.
>  About 2 hours later the new bride comes down. Hair is all messed up and
> looks like shit. She staggers into the coffee shop and sits down in a
> "You OK" asks the waiter. "Your husband was down a while ago and he looked
> great!"
>  "Yeah well when he said he'd been saving it for 30 years, I thought he
> a bank account"

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