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Chili Taster

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast when he got roped
into testing chili:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges and (Native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild!

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now,
get me more beer before I ignite.

Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge number 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK:  (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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