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[Fwd: Presidential Duel to the Death]

To:  Governor Bush and Vice President Gore

As you both know, many Americans regard our recent Presidential election as
a choice of the lesser evil. When it came time to decide which of you we hated the least, we the people were hopelessly deadlocked. Frankly, you both give us the creeps.

At this point, it is clear that if Mr. Bush wins the recount, the Democrats will file lawsuits for every idiot voter in Florida, and we will hear endless griping about butterfly ballots and hanging chads. If Mr. Gore wins, the Republicans who tried to steal the last election with a fellatiocentric impeachment will no doubt engage in a similar abuse of the legal system.

Either way, the wrangling will drag on for years. Whoever wins will be regarded as a cheater; whoever loses will be seen as a whiner.

There is only one way to end the squabbling.

We propose a duel to the death -- on the open seas outside U.S. territorial limits (or in Texas), in front of an international team of observers and a worldwide television audience.

Many great American statesmen, including Andrew Jackson and Henry Clay, engaged in duels on the field of honor. As one of you may know, the most famous duel in American history was between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. After a humiliating defeat for the Presidency (involving a tied vote in the Electoral College and 35 successive tied votes in the House), Burr found revenge on the field of honor.

Candidates, we implore you: be like those guys. Settle your differences between yourselves, like men. Think of the satisfaction of doing by bullet what you were unable to do by ballot.

Governor Bush, you were young when you decided not to risk your life for your country; now you have a rare second chance. We cannot imagine a more graphic demonstration of your steadfast support for capital punishment. Furthermore, there's nothing like a quick shoot-out to put an end to all this unnecessary "vote counting" and procedural folderol.

Vice President Gore, this is your chance to demonstrate your superior gun control. With a single, well-aimed shot from a legally registered handgun, you can teach Governor Bush a lesson about the environment by making him part of it. Exercise your freedom of choice by aborting the Governor's presidential aspirations, not to mention his life.

Gentlemen, it is time to settle this thing once and for all. We appreciate that you are willing to lie, cheat or steal to win this election, but that is not enough. You must be willing to die for the good of the nation.

P.S. If it should happen that both of you are mortally wounded in this contest, we trust that our great Republic shall find some way to endure the loss.

The Presidential Duel to the Death Petition to Governor Bush and Vice
President Gore was created by Citizens of the United States of America and
written by Earl Vickers.  This petition is hosted here at
http://www.PetitionOnline.com as a public service. There is no express or implied
endorsement of this petition by Artifice, Inc. or our sponsors. The petition
scripts are created by Mike Wheeler at Artifice, Inc.  For Technical Support
please use our simple Petition Help form:

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