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God and the Suburbanites

...If only each suburbanite would grow hostas... :)



> "Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store
> commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a
> lot of it die anyway.  Now I'm supposed to winterize it?  I hope
> it's too late.  Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've
> come up with outside of thong swimsuits!  We constantly battle
> dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover
> that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed
> through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
> Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis
> about this:
> "Frank you know all about gardens and nature.  What in the world is
> going on down there in the Midwest?  What happened to the
> dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?  I had a
> perfect, no-maintenance garden plan.  Those plants grow in any type
> of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar
> from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and
> flocks of songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of colors by
> now.  But all I see are these green rectangles."
> "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.  The Suburbanites.  They
> started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to
> kill them and replace them with grass."
> "Grass?  But it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract
> butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms.  It's
> temperamental with temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want
> all that grass growing there?"
> "Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
> green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
> any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
> "The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really
> fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
> "Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -
> sometimes twice a week."
> "They cut it?  Do they then bale it like hay?"
> "Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
> "They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?"
> "No, sir.  Just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away."
> "Now let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will
> grow.  And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it
> away?"
> "Yes, sir."
> "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
> on the rain and turn up the heat.  That surely slows the growth and
> saves them a lot of work."
> "You aren't going believe this Lord.  When the grass stops growing
> so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
> can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
> "What nonsense!  At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a
> sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The trees grow
> leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In
> the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to
> keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.  Plus,
> as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil.  It's a
> natural circle of life."
> "You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new
> circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
> and have them hauled away."
> "No!  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
> winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
> "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they
> call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place of the
> leaves."
> "And where do they get this mulch?"
> "They cut down trees and grind them up."
> "Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.  Saint
> Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have you
> scheduled for us tonight?"
> "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."
> "Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
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