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Re: Advice-totally off topic

Thanks everyone for the advice and stories of others. I will re-read them as I consider all of this. My Dad and Stepmother are visiting at the moment and I'm sure we'll sit down and discuss this as I value their opinions. My therapist says make sure you go into this with your eyes wide open. I know I can't really imagine how life changing it will be. I am glad for my years of therapy as I think it will be priceless for myself and whomever I foster if I decide to do this. One of my friends has three adopted children and she told me a story about one of their former foster kids who ran away because she felt guilty for being so happy and comfortable when her own mother was in jail. Point being you never know what to expect from these children. Anyway-thanks again all-I've contact our local services JUST for information as again I've got to get more financially ready. If I decide to do this I'm hoping that by this time next year I'll at least be fostering.
I'll keep you all posted!

----- Original Message ----- From: "Theresa G." <macycat3@sbcglobal.net>
To: <gardenchat@hort.net>
Sent: Monday, December 29, 2008 11:46 PM
Subject: Re: [CHAT] Advice-totally off topic

All good advice for sure.  I'm seen some foster and adoptions that turn
out wonderful, and others that are a complete disaster for all
involved.  I think it is important to NOT have a specific expectation of
what it will be like- you are bound to be disappointed if you think you
can make certain things happen, turn out a certain way, or fix damage
done in the past.  Time and/or love does not cure all ills- certainly
can help, and some kids are amazingly resilient. Someone else mentioned
FAS as a problem, and certainly you will want to know alot about a
child's development and functioning as well as any major risk factors
before you decide to bring a specific child into your home.  The purpose
of psychological assessments prior to adoption is to ensure that there
is enough information available about the child to ensure a good match
and increase chances of success.  Some adults can manage situations that
others cannot- that is just reality, so it is also important to know
yourself and be realistic.  I think that fact that you are even
considering this speaks volumes about your dedication and commitment.
Just take your time and don't skip any steps in the process!  My best to

Aplfgcnys@aol.com wrote:
Andrea, first of all, I have great respect for your decision to adopt
a child.  That is a very admirable and generous step.  My only
advice is that you must realize that any child, whether born to
you or adopted, will be an individual, and should be given the
respect of such.  Adopted children may be more difficult that our
own birth children, or less.  Any teenager can be extremely difficult
to live with, even without meaning to be so.  Even the best of them
can give you much grief and heartache.  My three sons have each
turned out well, finally, and in different ways, but their adolescent
years were the most difficult of my life. Just realize, as you go into
this project, that all your love and good intentions will not guarantee
the outcome you desire.  I wish you all the best in this undertaking.

In a message dated 12/29/2008 2:24:10 PM Eastern Standard Time,
judylee@lewiston.com writes:

I agree with Lynda. Having a child is a big step, whether by adoption or
birth. The best foster parents I know bond with each child, without getting
overinvolved. That is, they provide loads of love & structure, clear
boundaries on behavior, but don't need to be a pal to the kids, or protect
them from the consequences of their choices.
Come to think of it, that sounds like the succesful parents I know.
If you choose to adopt or foster, your life will change.
I have step kids & birth kids & I love them all. They have brought me joy
and grief and continue to do so. You never stop being a parent. My 91 year old mom in law was worrying about her oldest son the week before her death.
Not that she could solve his problems, but she still was concerned.
----- Original Message ----- From: "Lynda Young" <lyoung@grindertaber.com>
To: <gardenchat@hort.net>
Sent: Monday, December 29, 2008 6:28 AM
Subject: RE: [CHAT] Advice-totally off topic

All I can add is to try to clearly and logically think through all the
ramifications of taking this step, all the pluses and minuses of how your life will change. And then just trust your heart to lead you in the right

Zone 7 - West TN

-----Original Message-----
From: owner-gardenchat@hort.net [mailto:owner-gardenchat@hort.net] On
Of Pam Evans
Sent: Sunday, December 28, 2008 4:28 PM
To: gardenchat@hort.net
Subject: Re: [CHAT] Advice-totally off topic

I'm afraid I would be the least qualified person on this list to give
on this particular topic.  Though I admire greatly your initiative for
considering such a big step.
I couldn't do it, but you're not me.  This is an immensely personal

On 12/28/08, james singer <inlandjim1@q.com> wrote:

Heavy stuff Andrea. My first wife and I were both Depression
babies--we grew up in houses where non-kin strangers often sat across
from us at the dinner table. My mother must have fed half the hobos
who streamed through SoCal and Virginia's parents set up beds in their
garage so drifting families had a place to camp while they looked for


When half of Virginia's and my kids were teenage, we took in two other
teenagers--a sister and brother whose ages and sexes matched our two


They were not foster kids, they were just middle-class kids trying to
get away from abusive, alcoholic parents. So we gave them a place to
stay and food to eat. They were with us for about two years, then the
girl went away to college and the boy and our son went to Colorado to
try their hands at being ski bums.

It was probably easier for us because two our kids matched them in
ages and they all seemed to like one another. I can't imagine what it
would have been like if they had been damaged goods.

On Dec 27, 2008, at 2:54 PM, andreah wrote:

Because I value your opinions and experience, I would like some advice

all of you great people.

For a couple of years now I have considered off and on possibly
adopting or at least fostering a child. ONE child. I know my limits
and I do not think I could handle more than one. Also, I am speaking
of an older child. No babies.
If I wanted a baby I would have had one. Anyway-there are hundreds
that need homes just in S.C.

Recently, my consideration has taken a turn more towards a "I think I
really want to do this" attitude. I would like to have a family and I
don't think waiting around on a divorced man with children is the way
to go about it.
Anyway-I've spoken with some close friends who have three adopted
children and they've given me some great advice, but I value your
opinions as well.

At the moment I am not financially ready, even though I know the
state helps.
They help to the tune of about $300 a month here which is nothing.

So, advice, opinions, experiences, etc. All would be welcome, good or
bad, yes, or no.

I am giving myself a year to get ready. Unless I change my mind and I
don't think I will, hopefully by this time next year I'll at least be


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