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RE: Texas Chili Cookoff

Oh my gosh, that is so funny...I about laughed myself sick!   Thanks, Kitty!

Melody, IA (Z 5/4)

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."    
--Albert Einstein

 --- On Wed 06/30, Kitty < kmrsy@comcast.net > wrote:
From: Kitty [mailto: kmrsy@comcast.net]
To: psthlht@comcast.net, gardenchat@hort.net
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 2004 16:02:20 -0500
Subject: [CHAT] Texas Chili Cookoff

A friend sent me this, saying I would laugh to tears. He was right.
I<br>am posting it as I think many of you would enjoy it. I cleaned up
a<br>few of the words, but some others remain that may not be to
some<br>people's liking. I don't mean to offend, but it's just too funny
for me to<br>pass up.<br><br>Chili Cookoff<br><br>For those of you who
have<br>lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili<br>Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a
major<br>portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from
an<br>inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
from the<br>East Coast:<br><br>Frank: Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chilli<br>cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to<br>be standing there at the judge s
table asking for directions to the<br>Budweiser truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two<br>judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,<br>besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I<br>accepted . Here are the
scorecards from the event:<br><br>Chili # 1 Mike s Maniac Mobster
Monster Chili<br><br>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.<br>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.<br>Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the heck is this stuff? You
could<br>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took<br>me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that s the worst one. These<br>Texans are
crazy.<br><br>Chili # 2 Arthur s Afterburner Chili<br><br>Judge # 1 --
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.<br>Judge # 2 --
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.<br>Judge
# 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I m not sure what I
m<br>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to<br>give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more
beer when they<br>saw the look on my face.<br><br>Chili # 3 Fred s
Famous Burn Down the Barn<br>

<br>Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs
morebeans.<br>Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.<br>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I ve located a uranium spill. My
nose<br>feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now.<br>Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now my<br>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I m
getting drunk from all<br>of the beer.<br><br>Chili # 4 Bubba s Black
Magic<br><br>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.<br>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or<br>other<br>mild foods, not much of a
chili.<br>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping<br>across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn<br>out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh<br>refills. That
300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this<br>nuclear waste
I m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?<br><br>Chili # 5 Linda s Legal Lip
Remover<br><br>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding<br>considerable kick. Very impressive.<br>Judge # 2 --
Chili using shredded<br>beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong<br>statement.<br>Judge # 3 -- My ears are
ringing, sweat is pouring off my<br>forehead and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted and four people<br>behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told<br>her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from<br>bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I m<br>burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked<br>me to stop
screaming. Gosh darn, those red necks.<br><br>Chili # 6 Vera s Very
Vegetarian Variety<br><br>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of<br>spices and peppers.<br>Judge # 2 -- The best
yet. Aggressive use of peppers,<br>onions, and garlic. Superb.<br>Judge
#3 -- I **** myself w

n I farted and<br>I m worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand<br>behind me except that nut Sally. She must be
odder than I thought. Can't<br>feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
behind with a snow cone.<br><br>Chili # 7 Susan s Screaming Sensation
Chili<br><br>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned<br>peppers.<br>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a<br>can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am<br>worried about<br>Judge #3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is<br>cursing uncontrollably.<br>Judge # 3
-- You could put a grenade in my mouth,<br>pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I ve lost sight in one eye, and<br>the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered<br>with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of<br>lava like ****
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they ll<br>know what
killed me. I ve decided to stop breathing, it s too<br>painful. Doesn't
matter; I m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,<br>I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.<br><br>Chili # 8 Tommy
s Toe-Nail Curling Chili<br><br>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is
a nice blend chili. Not too bold<br>but spicy enough to declare its
existence.<br>Judge # 2 -- This final entry<br>is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of<br>it was lost
when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot<br>down on
top of himself. Not sure if he s going to make it. Poor dude,<br>wonder
how he d have reacted to really hot
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