Re: Texas Chili Cookoff
Yes it's true. And the first one I went to, I was choking on some of
that hot stuff and someone handed me a glass of water, I thought, so I
gulped it down. It was moonshine. My esophagus is permanently
----- Original Message -----
Sent: 6/30/2004 4:02:20 PM
Subject: [CHAT] Texas Chili Cookoff
> A friend sent me this, saying I would laugh to tears. He was right. I
> am posting it as I think many of you would enjoy it. I cleaned up a
> few of the words, but some others remain that may not be to some
> people's liking. I don't mean to offend, but it's just too funny for me to
> pass up.
> Chili Cookoff
> For those of you who have
> lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili
> Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
> portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an
> inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the
> East Coast:
> Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli
> cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
> be standing there at the judge s table asking for directions to the
> Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> accepted . Here are the scorecards from the event:
> Chili # 1 Mike s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the heck is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
> me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that s the worst one. These
> Texans are crazy.
> Chili # 2 Arthur s Afterburner Chili
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I m not sure what I m
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they
> saw the look on my face.
> Chili # 3 Fred s Famous Burn Down the Barn
> Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs morebeans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I ve located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I m getting drunk from all
> of the beer.
> Chili # 4 Bubba s Black Magic
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping
> across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn
> out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
> refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this
> nuclear waste I m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> Chili # 5 Linda s Legal Lip Remover
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded
> beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
> behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I m
> burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked
> me to stop screaming. Gosh darn, those red necks.
> Chili # 6 Vera s Very Vegetarian Variety
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 -- I **** myself when I farted and
> I m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me except that nut Sally. She must be odder than I thought. Can't
> feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my behind with a snow cone.
> Chili # 7 Susan s Screaming Sensation Chili
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
> worried about
> Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
> pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I ve lost sight in one eye, and
> the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
> with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they ll
> know what killed me. I ve decided to stop breathing, it s too
> painful. Doesn't matter; I m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
> I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> Chili # 8 Tommy s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry
> is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
> it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
> down on top of himself. Not sure if he s going to make it. Poor dude,
> wonder how he d have reacted to really hot chili?
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