Re: Texas Chili Cookoff

Yes it's true. And the first one I went to, I was choking on some of
that hot stuff and someone handed me a glass of water, I thought, so I
gulped it down. It was moonshine. My esophagus is permanently
cauterized. Comedians.


Pam Evans
Kemp, TX
zone 8A
----- Original Message -----
From: Kitty
Sent: 6/30/2004 4:02:20 PM
To: psthlht@comcast.net;gardenchat@hort.net
Subject: [CHAT] Texas Chili Cookoff

> A friend sent me this, saying I would laugh to tears.  He was right.  I

> am posting it as I think many of you would enjoy it.  I cleaned up a

> few of the words, but some others remain that may not be to some

> people's liking.  I don't mean to offend, but it's just too funny for me to

> pass up.

> 

> Chili Cookoff

> 

> For those of you who have

> lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili

> Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major

> portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an

> inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the

> East Coast:

> 

> Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli

> cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to

> be standing there at the judge s table asking for directions to the

> Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,

> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

> accepted . Here are the scorecards from the event:

> 

> Chili # 1 Mike s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

> 

> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the heck is this stuff? You could

> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took

> me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that s the worst one. These

> Texans are crazy.

> 

> Chili # 2 Arthur s Afterburner Chili

> 

> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I m not sure what I m

> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

> give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they

> saw the look on my face.

> 

> Chili # 3 Fred s Famous Burn Down the Barn

> 

> Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs morebeans.

> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I ve located a uranium spill. My nose

> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I m getting drunk from all

> of the beer.

> 

> Chili # 4 Bubba s Black Magic

> 

> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

> other

> mild foods, not much of a chili.

> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping

> across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn

> out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh

> refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this

> nuclear waste I m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

> 

> Chili # 5 Linda s Legal Lip Remover

> 

> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

> considerable kick. Very impressive.

> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded

> beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong

> statement.

> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

> forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people

> behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told

> her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from

> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I m

> burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked

> me to stop screaming. Gosh darn, those red necks.

> 

> Chili # 6 Vera s Very Vegetarian Variety

> 

> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

> spices and peppers.

> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

> onions, and garlic. Superb.

> Judge #3 -- I **** myself when I farted and

> I m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

> behind me except that nut Sally. She must be odder than I thought. Can't

> feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my behind with a snow cone.

> 

> Chili # 7 Susan s Screaming Sensation Chili

> 

> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned

> peppers.

> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a

> can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am

> worried about

> Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is

> cursing uncontrollably.

> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,

> pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I ve lost sight in one eye, and

> the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered

> with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of

> lava like ****  to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they ll

> know what killed me. I ve decided to stop breathing, it s too

> painful. Doesn't matter; I m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,

> I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

> 

> Chili # 8 Tommy s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

> 

> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

> but spicy enough to declare its existence.

> Judge # 2 -- This final entry

> is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of

> it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot

> down on top of himself. Not sure if he s going to make it. Poor dude,

> wonder how he d have reacted to really hot chili?

> 

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