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Happy 2001


Subject: What I have Learned...
>
> > GOD grant me the senility to forget the people that I never liked
anyway,
> the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell
> the difference!
> >
> > I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
> stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
> >
> > I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
> assholes.
> >
> > I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
> suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
> >
> > I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
> After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge boobs.
> >
> > I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more
> fucked up than you think.
> >
> > I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're
> finished.
> >
> > I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
> celebrities.
> >
> > I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
> first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take
its
> place.
> >
> > I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're
> down, will be the ones who do.
> >
> > I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their
> dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
> >
> > I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they
> will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
> >
> > I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
> you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
> >
> > I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke"... in 6
> languages.




This was in the Washington Post ... the title of  the
 article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."
 
 In  summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a
 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch
 at 11:38 p.m. on  Friday.  Lawrence will be charged with lewd
 and  lascivious behavior, public  indecency, and public
 intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on  Monday.
 
 The suspect explained that as he was passing a  pumpkin
 patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft  and
 squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
 At  least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone  interview.
 
 Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to  the
 side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt  was
 appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded  to satisfy
 his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it,  you know?"
 he commented with evident  embarrassment.
 
 In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to  notice a
 Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of  his
 audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached  him.
 
 "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"  said
 officer Taylor."  I walked up to (Lawrence) and  he's...just
 working away at this pumpkin."
 
 Taylor  went on to describe what happened when  she
 approached Lawrence.  "I just went up and said,
 'Excuse  me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
 He  froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there,
 and then  looked me straight in the face and said,
 
 "A  pumpkin?  Damn...is it midnight  already?"
 
 



> > >Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, 
>> > complaining 
>> > > to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of 
>> > > characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband 
>> > > uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your 
>> > breasts 
>> > > to grow, then 
>> > > every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your 
>>breasts 
>> > 
>> > for 
>> > > a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of 
>> > toilet 
>> > > paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her 
>> > breasts. 
>> > > "How long will this take?" she asks. They'll grow larger over a 
>>period 
>> > of 
>> > > years," he replies. 
>> > > 
>> > > The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper 
>> > between 
>> > > my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" 
>> > > 
>> > > "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" 




A guy applied to join a nudist club.
"Exactly what do you do here?"
he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary,
"We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read,
"Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing
"Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing
which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.
He bent over to read the plaque and it said,
"Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
.



>> > Two little boys are sitting in 
>> > the living room,  watching TV with their parents. 
>> > The mother looks  over at the father with a wink 
>> > and a nod toward upstairs. 
>> > >  The father "gets" the message, and they both get up 
>> > >  and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back 
>> > to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a 
>> > >  minute. You two stay here and watch TV.  We'll be> 
>> > right back, OK?" 
>> > >       The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off 
>> > >  upstairs. The oldest is old enough to know what's 
>> > >  going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. 
>> > At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mom and 
>> > Dad's bedroom and shakes his head. Back downstairs he 
>> > goes,  back to his little brother.> 
>> > >       "Come with me," he says.  And the two little 
>> > boys tiptoe up the stairs.  Halfway up, the older 
>> > brother says to the younger brother "Now, I want you to 
>> > keep  in mind, this is the 
>> > SAME WOMAN WHO USED TO BUST 
>> > OUR  ASSES FOR SUCKING OUR THUMBS!"> 
>> > ___ 




Copyright Explained 

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you 
write, if the copy is right.  If however, your copy falls over, you 
must right your copy.  If you write religious services you write 
rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write. 

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to 
copyright the right copy they write.  A right wing cleric would write 
right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the 
right to write.  His editor has the job of making the right rite copy 
right before the copyright can be right. 

Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write 
right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright.  Duplicating 
that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which 
Wright would have the right to right. 

Right?





> December 30, 2004
> 
>  WASHINGTON -- After four years of legal wrangling,
> George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the
> 2000 presidential election yesterday.
> 
> Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at
> noon today and serve until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of
> about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of
> the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary
> Rodham Clinton.
> 
> Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush
> attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. "We
> have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks,"
> Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is
> probably going to eat up four to five hours. Let's get
> to work!" Aides  yesterday were calling temporary
> employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill
> Cabinet posts.
> 
> Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between
> him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results
> of the 2000 election.
> 
> While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an
> interim president:  New York Yankees Manager Joe
> Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and
>  a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At
> times, it's been difficult to keep the two things
> straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms
> to the Red Sox turned out OK."
> 
> Torre's four years in office were marked by continued
> prosperity at home and relative calm abroad.
> 
> His most controversial move was appointing Yankees
> bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics
> charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit
> tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering
> conservatives.
> 
> Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making
> Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S.
> pitching.
> 
> Torre was planning to vacate the White House by
> midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately. 
> Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week
> administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he
> sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of
> suitcases.
> 
> Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former
> vice president issued a statement today saying, "It
> would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic
> process to act hastily before all the facts are
> known."
> 
> The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a
> Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in
> Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed
> suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid
> because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore
> countersued, charging that the West Virginia results
> should be thrown out because some people failed to 
> receive "I Voted Today" stickers.
> 
> Through the years, various officials proposed
> compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected,
> including:
> 
> * Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men
> sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although
> never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV
> show, East Wing, West Wing.
> 
> * Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each
> candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000
> election. Gore, who failed to carry his native
> Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean
> showing a passport every time he went home.
> 
> * Letting Jimmy Carter sort it all out.
> 
> Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush
> administration will be working with Congress, which
> adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back until after
> Bush's term ends. "One day may not be quite enough
> time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide
> admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then
> finish it later with a big conference call or
> something."
> 
> Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and
> prepare to transfer power to President-elect Clinton.
> Clinton yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she
> could start moving some boxes into the White House
> basement.
> 




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