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Tips for Christmas feasting

  • Subject: Tips for Christmas feasting
  • From: ShayDguy@aol.com
  • Date: Sun, 9 Dec 2001 12:14:52 EST

Subject: 10 tips for Christmas eating

I  hate this time of year.  Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because it's the season  when the food police come out with their
fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays  without gaining 10
pounds. You can't pick up a  magazine without finding a  list of holiday eating
do's and  don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,  high-calorie sauces  and cookies
made with butter, they say.   Fill  up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief.  Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?  I
didn't think so. Isn't mine, either.  A carrot was something you left for
Rudolph.  I have my own list of tips for holiday eating.  I assure you, if you
follow them, you'll be fat and happy.  So what if you don't make it to New
Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1.  About those carrot sticks.  Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact,  if you see
carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2.  Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly. Like fine  single-malt
scotch, it's rare.  In fact, it's even rarer than  single-malt scotch. You can't
find it any other time of year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip?  It's not as if you're going to turn into an
egg-nogaholic or something.  It's a treat. Enjoy it.  Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think.  It's Christmas!

3.  If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of  gravy.
Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.  Fill  it with gravy.
Eat the volcano.  Repeat.

4.  As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk  or whole
milk.  If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a  sports car with an
automatic transmission.

5.  Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control  your
eating.  The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat  other people's
food for free.  Lots of it.  Hello? Remember college?

6.  Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and new  Year's. You
can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for
long naps, which you'll need after circling the  buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of  eggnog.

7.  If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like  frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position  yourself near them
and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before  becoming the center of
attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of  shoes.  You can't leave them
behind.  You're not going to see them  again.

8.  Same for pies.  Apple.  Pumpkin.  Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.  Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9.  Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with the  mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have  some standards,

10.  And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the  party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.  Reread tips. Start
over.  But hurry!  Cookieless January is just around  the corner.

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