Re: Still more Martha

 
  > Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
  >
  > General
  > Never take a beer to a job interview.
  > Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  > It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  > If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  > Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
  > still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  >
  > Dining Out
  > When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
  > pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
  > If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
  > fingers covering the label.
  >
  > Entertaining in your home
  > A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
  > by a taxidermist.
  > Do not allow the dog to eat at the table.
  > ...no matter how good his manners are.
  >
  > Personal Hygiene
  > While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
  > should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  > Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
  > However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  > Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
  > tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
  > finger foods.
  >
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  >
  > Dating (outside the family)
  > Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
  > date.
  > Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
  > to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall
  > two years ago."
  > Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
  > will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is
  > the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school
  > on time.
  >
  > Theater Etiquette
  > Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
  > immediately after the movie has ended.
  > Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
  > they can't hear you.
  >
  > Weddings
  > Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  > Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  > For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
  > cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
  > appearance.
  > Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
  > occasion.
  >
  > Driving Etiquette
  > Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
  > loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  > When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
  > tires always has the right of way.
  > Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  > When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
  > to ask her to bring back beer.
  > Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 

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