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GreenPrints - "The Weeder's Digest"

I found this and just know you'll all love it.  CHAR
Title: GreenPrints - "The Weeder's Digest"

Learning the truth about Bambi.

By Anne Schroeder

June 20. The garden is in full bloom. My winter work is reaping bounteous riots of color-Icelandic poppies, geraniums, bearded iris, pungent herbs nestled among trailing vines and sweet peas. Wonderful! I have all summer to savor the smells, the colors, the tastes of my garden.

June 21. Turning into the driveway, we surprise a doe and two fawns in a natural tableau, staring wide-eyed, frozen by our headlights. We wait while they move slowly across the drive and disappear among the trees. I pick yellow roses for my dining room table.

June 22. Spend a satisfying two hours puttering about in the garden after work. Nip some spent buds, fertilize, tend scraggly weeds that have taken root. As I drift off to sleep, I hear the patter of little hooves outside my window. Funny that the dog does not bark. I smile in my near-sleep, feeling at one with nature here in our remote hacienda.

June 23. The deer are back again, just at sunset. I can see them standing on the mound, the fawns watching as their mother nips a few quick bites before trotting away. I am curious about which plant she fancies. I notice she doesn't seem particular.

June 24. Didn't hear the deer last night but today the basil and the tops of the Icelandic poppies are gone. Only stems remain. But some of the foliage seems intact. Thank goodness it is still early summer. I find a hoof imprint surrounding the crushed aloe vera plant. Nuts!

June 25. More destruction. My roses are looking frazzled. Bush is half gone. We decide to leave the dog out to discourage intruders. Get up twice during the night to see where the dog has gone.

June 26. Dog finally comes home, wet, exhausted, with the neighbor's slipper in his mouth. In his absence, deer eat the rest of the climbing rose and most of the mock orange.

June 27. Weeds taking over but the deer don't touch them. We stop watering the yard. We buy roses at the florist. Cost: $19.99.

June 28. Can't get to sleep. Too keyed up listening for those blankety-blank sons-of-a-buck.

June 29. Finally doze off at 2:30 a.m., but wake up with a start when I hear a barking dog. I fire a warning shot into the air since I am up anyway. Back to sleep at 3:00 a.m. Start to hallucinate at work. Imagine I hear nibbling. Need more sleep.

June 30. Come home and in driveway we see four deer. Try to run them over, but they are too quick. Getting a bad headache. Put in an electric fence with a six-volt charger.

July 1. Discover deer are going over electric fence. Change voltage to 110 house current. Accidentally touch it while weeding. My headache is much worse! Need wig to cover burn spot in hair. Need several dental fillings replaced. Left hand still clenched, one arm seems shorter than the other.

July 2. Disconnected the fence. Set several deer snares after reading a survivalist guide ordered from the Anarchist Cookbook. Later, gingerly remove neighbor's poodle from snare and, making sure there are no fingerprints, lay dog on their side of fence.

July 3. Bought two rottweilers. Try training them with femur bone from a road kill. They go after the femur of the UPS man instead. His attorney will be in touch.

July 4. Spread mountain-lion dung in garden. Have to buy fogger to keep the flies away from the house. Both our cats have disappeared. Keeping the doors and windows closed around the clock. Air conditioning costs are soaring.

July 5. Marauding mountain lion is attracted to the scent, attacks the rottweilers. Vet's bill is $580. Notice twenty-five deer at edge of clearing this evening.

July 6. Call dozer man to come and excavate garden. Am going to put in a pool.

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