Hosta Horrorscopes Pt. 2
- Subject: Hosta Horrorscopes Pt. 2
- From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Glen Williams)
- Date: Thu, 3 Jan 2002 09:24:46 -0500 (EST)
Hosta Horrorscopes Part 2 of 2
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are Canadian by birth even if your parents didn't tell you. This
explains much in your life. You have a tendency to yodel while you work
in the garden and have Wagner's complete Ring Cycle arranged for the
accordion and the zither (this is really hard to come by while the
harmonica version is still readily available everywhere). You took up
raising hostas at the suggestion of your psychiatrist who has a deeply
black and ironic sense of humor. Your hosta collection in known through-out
North America and you have been on all of the major hosta garden tours.
People always comment on your labels since they take the form of small
flags held by garden gnomes. Cute. This year will be highly rewarding if
you are deaf to what hostaphobics are saying about you. You should probably
take a quick trip to the local bus terminal and erase the graffiti on the
bathroom walls....at least it's somewhat flattering....and most people
really didn't know that. You gardens will prosper this year, but you need
to curb your leonine aggressive tendencies. Let others talk about hostas
and strut their knowledge...you can afford to wait and catch them with a
zinger when they screw-up. Don't, and I really mean it. DON'T wear that
moose sweat shirt when you are putting the garden to bed in the late fall.
Check the dates of the moose rutting season in your area. Better to be safe
than sorry. Avoid golf ( lightning strikes on the 8 th hole) this year as
well as wearing red flannel night wear or consorting with dental
hygienists or dentists. Your hosta-in-waiting this year is H. 'Pinky Lee'.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your capacity for being inarticulate is legendary. The time you tried to
pronounce H. 'Sagae' at the national hosta auction is the stuff of myths.
Who thought that trying to say a simple word could have reduced 600 people
to convulsions? You mean well though and your parents were nice people.
This is the year for you to concentrate on mini hostas. Much of your garden
is going to be taken by eminent domain for the entrance to the nuclear fuel
dump. Don't worry about any of that though, because as Paul Aden pointed
out , the mutations that you get will make it all worth while, although you
may end up adopting. Work behind the scenes and you will be successful, if
for no other reason than sparing the personal humiliation of people
commenting on your speech. After all what do they know? You might consider
being a mime this year. At least learn to point. Danielle Steele will want
to write your "story" for The Hosta Journal, but I would avoid that trap.
You will get food poisoning at a Salad Bar in Tempe, Arizona this year and
suffer great indignities when they try to purge your system. See this
experience as a growth opportunity. Your hosta of choice is a little
beauty called: H. 'Toy Boat' (say Toy Boat fast 5 times in the presence of
Libra September 23 - October 22
You are a gentle soul; a simple soul: very simple: your cookies don't quite
make it to the top floor. You have purchased those RARE and EXOTIC HOSTAS
from Wayside Gardens for years. This speaks volumes. You do all your
thinking in iambic pentameter, which would slow you down if you actually
did much thinking. This year stop trying to fold your restaurant napkins
into pelicans and frogs. Orgami is not a sign of intellect. It is NOW TIME
to deal with your local nursery man. Here is some vital information:
HOSTAS ARE NOT GROWN AS ANNUALS; THEY ARE AS PERENNIAL AS YOUR IDIOCY
(except for H. 'Uzo- no- Mai'). The garden center guy has been scamming
you for years (you have helped him put his 7 kids through college though).
Get over it and move on. Your capacity to see tomorrow as another day works
for you this year. The concept confuses you a bit, but if you take a look
at Gone With the Wind again you will understand. Wear plaid. It looks good
on you and you will avoid being shot this fall by rampaging teenagers bent
on destroying all garden ornamentation in your area. The perfect hosta
for you this year is H. 'Simple Simon'.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You are corrupt to the core and don't even know it. This is not a big deal
and I only mention it to show you that someone understands you. Ordinarily
you lead a mundane and boring life. You have your family, your friends,
your garden, your pet ferret, and your plate block stamp collection. This
year you have a once in a lifetime chance to break out of the confines of
your middle class existence, and respond to your darkside. This year, it
is at last propitious, for you to move that giant clump of H. 'Frances
Williams' out of the shade and into the sun. There will be no necrosis....I
promise..heh..heh...heh. If this is not too overwhelming an event in your
prosaic garden life, let me be the first to tell you that you will find
THREE ALL GREEN SPORTS from H. undulata! Wow! Talk about living on the
edge. How we all envy you. Pot up the green sports and take them to First
Look this July. You be surprised at what people will tell you. The hosta
of the year for you is H. 'Duh' ( an all green sport from H. 'Francee').
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This will be a remarkable year for you. You are going to be invited to
Japan on a clandestine trip to try and bring back the elusive standard
form hosta tree. This miraculous specimen was first sighted by Charlie
Seaver on his way up Mt. Fuji. Only a few people have seen the photos . The
existence of the hosta tree was later confirmed by Warren Pollock, who
described it as looking like a 4 ' feather duster( Warren has a way with
words). Tony Avent and Barry Yinger have made several trips to discover
its location and have failed. Well mighty Sagittarian, you have been
selected to go. Ten people will make the journey. You will be asked to sign
a Tontine agreement. Better look that word up; it has implications ( think
of Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None). You are basically a risk
taker and that's what the group is counting on. You were the first to mix
gold and blue hostas in the full sun and this made a lasting impression on
a number of people. Before the Japan trip, you will be tempted to add
lamium to your dwarf hosta bed; this is really a fine idea and if you make
it back from Japan you will have another surprise waiting for you. It will
be a passion-filled year for you if you take your Mastercard.Don't run for
public office...nor should you continue to wear polyester. Carpe Hostae!
Your hosta for the year will be H. 'Gemutlichkeit'.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You are inventive, stubborn, creative , and sexy*. You are also gullible.
You have been hurt in the arena of love but after all you deserved it. No
whining. Leave that to the Aquarians; they need the identity. You are a
superior gardener** and very knowledgeable about hostas. You have both
taste and knowledge which make you quite rare. You now have over 3,000
different cultivars and grow them skillfully. You are thought well of all
over the country in hosta circles, except possibly in the south east where
they are still worrying about northern heathens. Your own hostas will be
named once again to the Hosta Hall of Fame which will be a new feature of
First Look in 2002. People will strew garlands as you pass ***. You live a
rich full life**** and it will continue as long as you continue with the
electric shock treatments. It's good that you take care of the herd of
unicorns everyday and milk the dragons, for if didn't no one would. You
are that kind of person. And remember those restraints on your arms and
legs are for your own good.Don't forget your medication. Have a good year.
Your hosta of choice for the year will be H. 'Mr. Rogers'.
*Actually the natural selection process has rejected your genes.
**Just ask the forest animals.
*** The garlands are really composted thistles and ragweed.
**** That is to say a Fantasy life.
P.S. Any guesses as to when my birthday falls? :-)
The following is from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary: Edible, adj.
Good to eat, and wholesome to digest as worm to a toad, a toad to a snake,
a snake to a pig, a pig to a man,and a man to a worm.
20 Dewey St.
Springfield , Vermont
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