Martha Stewart vs. Reality



Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
bottom of a sugar  cone to prevent ice cream drips.
  My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's  sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your
feet up eating it anyway.
 
 *****
  Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter
onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every
time.
 My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave
for 30 seconds.  The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
 
  *****
  Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an
apple in the bag  with the potatoes.
  My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up  to a year.
  
*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add
a pinch of salt  to the water before hard boiling.
   My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take
the shells off anyway?
  
   *****
   Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring
them to  room temperature and roll them under your palm against the
kitchen counter  before squeezing.
   My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and
box springs, or buy the stuff in the green bottle.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your
skillet, simply  add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to
cover
bottom of pan,  and bring to a boil on stovetop.
   My way: Eat at Village Inn every night and avoid cooking.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick
cooking spray before  pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be
any stains.
   My way: Feed your dog and there won't be any leftovers.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the
baking pan, use  a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be
any
white mess on the  outside of the cake.
   My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for
you.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish
   while it's still  cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will
absorb  the excess salt for  an instant "fix me up"
  
   My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad.
   My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care
how bad it  tastes.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the  refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
   My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie
crust before baking  to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
   My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg  whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown
sugar to soften  it.
   My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
  
   *****

   Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a
pinch of sugar to  help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
   My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh,
immerse it in a  pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh,
but
if it rises to  the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad
later, you will  know it wasn't fresh.
  
   *****
  Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it
in half and rub  it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
   My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub  a lime on your forehead without getting lime
juice
in your eye, and then  the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is
because you are now blind.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice > cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
  My way: Leftover wine?
  
*****
   Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars:
   Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip
grip that makes  opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
  
 *****
   Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your
fingers. Just  slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with
water.
   My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the
   anti-bacterial soap in  the handy dispenser next to my sink.
  
   *****
   Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka
Seltzer.
   * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait
twenty   minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent
action clean  vitreous china.
   * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a
glass vase or  cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer
tablets.
  * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a
glass of water  and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop
in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or  longer, if
   necessary).
   My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the
toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of
problems at once.
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