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Martha Stewart vs. Reality

  • Subject: Martha Stewart vs. Reality
  • From: ShayDguy@aol.com
  • Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001 09:26:38 EDT

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
bottom of a sugar  cone to prevent ice cream drips.
  My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's  sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your
feet up eating it anyway.
  Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter
onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every
 My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave
for 30 seconds.  The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
  Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an
apple in the bag  with the potatoes.
  My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up  to a year.
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add
a pinch of salt  to the water before hard boiling.
   My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take
the shells off anyway?
   Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring
them to  room temperature and roll them under your palm against the
kitchen counter  before squeezing.
   My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and
box springs, or buy the stuff in the green bottle.
   Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your
skillet, simply  add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to
bottom of pan,  and bring to a boil on stovetop.
   My way: Eat at Village Inn every night and avoid cooking.
   Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick
cooking spray before  pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be
any stains.
   My way: Feed your dog and there won't be any leftovers.
   Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the
baking pan, use  a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be
white mess on the  outside of the cake.
   My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for
   Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish
   while it's still  cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will
absorb  the excess salt for  an instant "fix me up"
   My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad.
   My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care
how bad it  tastes.
   Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the  refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
   My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
   Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie
crust before baking  to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
   My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg  whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
   Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown
sugar to soften  it.
   My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

   Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a
pinch of sugar to  help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
   My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
   Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh,
immerse it in a  pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh,
if it rises to  the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad
later, you will  know it wasn't fresh.
  Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it
in half and rub  it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
   My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub  a lime on your forehead without getting lime
in your eye, and then  the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is
because you are now blind.
   Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice > cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
  My way: Leftover wine?
   Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars:
   Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip
grip that makes  opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
   Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your
fingers. Just  slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with
   My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the
   anti-bacterial soap in  the handy dispenser next to my sink.
   Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka
   * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait
twenty   minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent
action clean  vitreous china.
   * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a
glass vase or  cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer
  * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a
glass of water  and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop
in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or  longer, if
   My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the
toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of
problems at once.

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