President Takes Action


BUSH DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA: Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny
to Be First Recipients



Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday,
President Bush announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000
vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment,
the largest of its kind in American history, will provide
the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and
U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more
pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv
and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by
millions around the world," Bush said. "Today, the United
States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time
the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their
incomprehensible words. The U.S. is proud to lead the
crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State
Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic
port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first
recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over
500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air
Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over
the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival
of the vowels. "My goodness, I do not think we can last
another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six
children and none of them has a name that is understandable
to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor,
wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv
resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I
could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Bush said the United
States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with
C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area
of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well,
including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian
"U's."Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate,
but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged
Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Bush
said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much
easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the U.S.'s decision to send the vowels.
For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants
and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels
are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor
University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it
would be difficult to utter a single word, much less
organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me
started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern
European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they
will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The
potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "Please,
where is the washroom?"

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter
to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that
year, the U.S. shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia,
providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with
vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The
consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast
quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by
violent, gun-toting warlords.

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