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Today's Joke Collection


By Shela O'Conner

People place the silliest ads sometimes and give the readers a good laugh, 
oftentimes unintentionally. Here just a few of those classifieds that have 
brought a smile to the reader's face. All of the following have actually 
appeared in the city newspapers.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you'll go 
anywhere again.

Our experienced mother will care for your child. Fenced yards, meals, and 
smacks included.

Dog for sale, eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient 

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Benefits: Blue 
Cross Medical insurance and salary.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.00.

For sale, an antique desk auitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take 
home too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special, have your house exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the 
lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other 
athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically 
burns toast.

For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used cars: why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general 
house keeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled in 

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

And then there are those mistakes found in the main sections of newspapers 
that raise a laugh. Here are just some:

The sunbather watched the soaring seagulls wearing a striped bikini.

We sold the vacuum cleaner to a young woman with the cord in the rear.

He told her that he wanted to marry her frequently.

The politician met informally to discuss food prices and the high cost of 
living with several women.

It all goes to show that you have to think before you write...

 >"Secrets for a Happy Marriage" - Rated PG
 >My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
 >1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
 >some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
 >2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in
 >New York.
 >3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
 >4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
 >anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So
 >I suggested the kitchen.
 >5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
 >6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
 >maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to
 >sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
 >7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
 >water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In
 >the lake."
 >8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
 >weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
 >9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
 >10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
 >garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
 >Sex is like air -- Its not important unless your not getting any.
 >Three pastors and their wives were carpooling their way back from a
 >revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly,
 >they were all killed.
 >At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward. Looking
 >through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher and said
 >sharply, "You hypocrite! All you ever cared about in your life was
 >money! You've preached many times, 'Money is evil, money won't buy
 >you happiness, money this, money that.' Yet you've hoarded money all
 >your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In
 >fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named
 >Penny, isn't that so?" he demanded.
 >Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes sir, that's
 >"Well, you did preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you know
 >where, but you don't get to come in the front gate. You have to walk
 >all the way around heaven and enter in the back door. Off you go!"
 >And the couple went shamefully on their way.
 >St. Peter leered at the next pastor and yelled, "And you! All you
 >ever talked and cared about was alcohol! You often preached, 'The
 >bottle this, the bottle that.' Yet, you've been drunk nearly every
 >time you've preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and
 >drinking that you married a woman named Brandy, isn't that so?" he
 >accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.
 >"Well, you also preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk --
 >so no hell for you either. But you don't get to come in the front
 >gate either. You have to walk all the way around heaven and enter the
 >back door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.
 >"And you! " St. Peter began.
 >The third pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to
 >his wife and said, "We'd better start walking, Fanny."
 > >>

 > "Dog Haiku"
 > I love my master;
 > Thus I perfume myself with
 > This long-rotten squirrel.
 > I lie belly-up
 > In the sunshine, happier than
 > You ever will be
 > Today I sniffed
 > Many dog butts - I celebrate
 > By kissing your face.
 > I sound the alarm!
 > Paperboy - come to kill us all -
 > Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!
 > I sound the alarm!
 > Mailman Fiend - come to kill us all -
 > Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!
 > I sound the alarm!
 > Meter reader-come to kill all -
 > Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!
 > I sound the alarm!
 > Garbage man-come to kill all -
 > Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!
 > I sound the alarm!
 > Neighbor's cat-come to kill all!
 > Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!
 > I lift my leg and
 > Wiz on each bush.  Hello, Spot
 > Sniff this and weep.
 > How do I love thee?
 > The ways are numberless as
 > My hairs on the rug.
 > My human is home!
 > I am so ecstatic I have
 > Made a puddle.
 > I hate my choke chain -
 > Look, world, they strangle me!  Ack
 > Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
 > Sleeping here, my chin
 > On your foot-no greater bliss-
 > well, Maybe catching cats.
 > Look in my eyes and
 > Deny it.  No human could
 > Love you as much I do.
 > Dig under fence-why?
 > Because it's there.  Because it's
 > There.  Because it's there.
 > I am your best friend,
 > Now, always, and especially
 > When you are eating.
 > You may call them fleas,
 > But they are far more - I call
 > Them a vocation.
 > My owners' mood is
 > Romantic - I lie near their
 > Feet.  I blow a big one.
 > The cat is not all
 > Bad - she fills the litter box
 > With Tootsie Rolls.
 > *********
 > "Cat Haiku"
 > You never feed me.
 > Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
 > That will sure show you.
 > You must scratch me there!
 > Yes, above my tail!
 > Behold, elevator butt.
 > The rule for today:
 > Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
 > New rule tomorrow.
 > Grace personified.
 > I leap into the window.
 > I meant to do that.
 > Blur of motion, then-
 > Silence, me, a paper bag.
 > What is so funny?
 > You're always typing.
 > Well, let's see you ignore my
 > sitting on your hands.
 > My small cardboard box.
 > You cannot see me if I
 > Can just hide my head.
 > Terrible battle.
 > I fought for hours. Come and see!
 > What's a 'term paper?'
 > Small brave carnivores
 > Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
 > Fear vacuum cleaner.
 > I want to be close
 > to you. Can I fit my head
 > inside your armpit?
 > Wanna go outside.
 > Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!
 > Let me back inside!
 > Oh no! Big One has
 > been trapped by newspaper!
 > Cat to the rescue!
 > Humans are so strange.
 > Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
 > My claws are not that sharp.
 > Cats meow out of angst
 > "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
 > We could break so much!"
 > The Big Ones snore now
 > Every room is dark and cold
 > Time for "Cup Hockey."
 > In deep sleep hear sound
 > Cat vomit hair ball somewhere
 > Will find in morning.
 > We're almost equals
 > I purr to show I love you.
 > Want to smell my butt?
 > __________________________ >>


God grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I
go somewhere
to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Thought this was cute................... 

In the restroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side by 
side using the urinal.  The accountant finished, zipped up and started 
washing and literally scrubbing his hands....clears up to his elbows....he 
used about 20 paper towels before he finished.  He turned to the other two 
men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan.  We were 
taught to be clean." 

The lawyer finished, zipped up quickly, wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed 

one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Southern 
California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." 

The cowboy zipped up and as he walks out the door says, "I graduated from 
University of Kentucky and they taught us not to pee on our hands." 
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