> >While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He
> >asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
> >herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're
> >intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the
> >Queen."Allow me to demonstrate."
> >She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
> >question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
> >child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
> >Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
> >"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and
> >says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
> >"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
> >Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of
> >Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms
> >the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
> >question for me."
> >Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
> >"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
> >is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
> >Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back
> >Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other
> >senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for
> >hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
> >calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
> >"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
> >and this child is not your brotheror your sister. Who is it?"
> >Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
> >Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I
> >the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
> >And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary
for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe,
"You know man its been a long time since we had some
sex so you oughta let me screw you."
"Are you crazy?!!"
Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll
flip a coin and see who screws, who first.
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.
They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked,
"How will you tell if it hurts or not?"
Larry told Joe,
"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.
But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,
Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River
:-) :-) :-) :-)
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"where's Mom and dad? " and she replied, "they're up in bed " so the
little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and
dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed " and the little boy
started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his
grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his
grandmother replied "they're still up in bed" and the little boy started
to laugh and his grandmother asked "What gives? Every time I tell you
they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here? "
And the little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom
and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."
> > > Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
> > > my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
> > > On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the
> > > was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head
> > > injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then,
> > > could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
> > > The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes
> to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no
> > > but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
> > > call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead.
Come reset it."
> > > "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower
pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
> > > "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
> > > So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
> > > how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down
> > > stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action
I remember performing.
> > >
> > > It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay,
> > > wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
> > > our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied
> > > legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took
> > > bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most
> vulnerable, she
> > > leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
> > > I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while
> > > rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.
> > > Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
> > > this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight
> > > sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out
> > > When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
> > > briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct
> > > work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
> > > At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
> > > silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter,
> > > got your tongue?" If they had only known.
A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin.
The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says,
"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work
and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"
So, he decides to ask a minister.
The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him.
Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
"My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure
when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work,
my wife would have the maid do it."
To sign-off this list, send email to email@example.com with the
message text UNSUBSCRIBE HOSTA-OPEN