The Year 2000 DARWIN AWARDS


  > Darwin Awards 2000
  >
  > It's that time of year again - the long awaited and ever popular!!!!!!
  >
  > One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the announcement of
  > the
  > Annual Darwin Award...  The prestigious recognition of those people who,
  > by
  > their own incredible, conscious actions remove their apparently faulty
  > DNA/chromosomes from the gene pool... making it a safer place for all of
  > mankind to someday swim. This is a global phenomenon and the 2000
  > nominations reflect the universal appeal and acclaim that this most
  > prestigious award has grown to enjoy. So, without further ado, here are
  > the
  > runners-up for this year's award.
  >
  > Seventh Runner Up, (15 July 1999, Alabama)
  > A 25-year-old man died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall,
  > precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was
  > to
  > hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to
  > add
  > momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried
  > him
  > right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before
  > his
  > grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The
  > Military Specialist [NOTE: THAT MEANS HE WAS IN THE ARMY, NOT MARINE
  > CORPS.]
  > had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving
  > the
  > way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
  >
  > Sixth Runner Up, (11 August 1999 Germany)
  > A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near
  > Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man
  > was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded
  > sun,
  > when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently
  > just
  > donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure
  > everything except the sun.
  >
  > Tie for Fifth Runner up Award goes to, (25 May 1999, Ukraine)
  > A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the River
  > Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of
  > his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed
  > the
  > fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to
  > collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically
  > suffered the same fate as the fish. ...In an ironic twist, the man was
  > fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his
  > mother-in-law's death.
  >
  > Tie for Fifth Runner up Award goes to, (16 August 1999, Germany)
  > A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The
  > 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A
  > gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling
  > inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with
  > its
  > paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
  >
  > Fourth Runner up Award goes to, (1999, Nicosia, Cyprus)
  > Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near
  > Tehran
  > by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the
  > ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch
  > the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The
  > snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the
  > head.
  >
  > Third Runner up Award goes to, (August 1999, Australia)
  > Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a
  > 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of
  > competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking
  > competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a
  > sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard
  > liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236 (winners never
  > quit!), which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol
  > level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of
  > 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the
  > bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a
  > condition that became permanent. A forensic hematologist estimated that
  > after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour
  > and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but
  > Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid
  > by
  > Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the
  > equivalent
  > of $13,100 USD for not intervening. He didn't require any further
  > embalming.
  >
  > Second Runner up Award goes to, (28 January 1999, London)
  > A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed
  > her
  > over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of
  > sheep
  > as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep
  > rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over
  > the
  > edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw
  > the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the
  > incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.
  >
  > First Runner up Award goes to, (5 September 1999, Jerusalem)
  > The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among
  > terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two
  > coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three
  > terrorists
  > who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the
  > devices
  > had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed
  > the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had
  > made
  > a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time in order to
  > accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians
  > refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued.
  > The
  > bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on
  > Daylight
  > Savings Time. The Confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time.
  > As
  > a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated,
  > delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
  >
  > And the 2000 Darwin Award winner is.....
  > (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh)
  > Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions
  > and
  > ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three
  > friends
  > recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local
  > cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable
  > arguing
  > continued for  hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
  > anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and
  > the
  > three men began playing Russian Roulette, each tossing down a drink and
  > then
  > stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later,
  > the
  > explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the
  > bar. "There were no remains" Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
  >
  > Honorable Mentions - "National" Idiots Category.
  >
  > Ann Arbor Idiot.
  > The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
  > King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash.
  > The
  > clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
  > without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
  > they
  > weren't available for breakfast.  The robber was so frustrated that he
  > walked away."
  >
  > Seattle Idiot
  > When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
  > Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
  > the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled
  > sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
  > gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
  > mistake.
  > The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the
  > best laugh he'd ever had.
  >
  >
  >
  >
  Eric Lap-Wai Lam
  Marketing Ad Studio
  GLOBE AND MAIL
  444 Front Street West
  Toronto, Ontario
  M5V 2S9
  416.585.3376
  elam@globeandmail.ca
 

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