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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her

head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open,
and
she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the    doors

were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they

finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back

of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat,
making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit
her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it
was,
she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
out,
but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.




> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> computer industry with the auto industry and
> stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry
> has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
> gallon."
>
> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
> stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
> we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
>
> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
> 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
> have to buy a new car.
> 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
> would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of
> the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
> you could continue.  For some reason you would simply accept this.
> 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which
> case you would have to reinstall the engine.
> 5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought
> "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
> 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
> reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on
> only five percent of the roads.
> 7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
> replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
> 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
> 9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
> 10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
> you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
> 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
> Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
> need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
> cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM
> would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
> 12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have
> to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls
> would operate in the same manner as the old car.
> 13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
>





> >  Wise Advice
> >  -----------
> >  A young man who was also an avid golfer found
> himself with a few
> >  hours to  spare one afternoon. He figured if he
> hurried and played
> >  very fast, he could  get in 9 holes before he had
> to head home.
> >  Just as he was about to tee off an  old gentleman
> shuffled onto
> >  the tee and asked if he could accompany the young
>  man as he was
> >  golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he
> allowed the old
> >  gent to join him.
> >
> >  To his surprise the old man played fairly
> quickly. He didn't hit
> >  the ball  far, but plodded along consistently and
> didn't waste
> >  much time. Finally, they  reached the 9th fairway
> and the young
> >  man found himself with a tough shot.  There was a
> large pine tree
> >  right in front of his ball and it was directly 
> between his ball
> >  and the green. After several minutes of debating
> how to hit  the
> >  shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I
> was your age I'd
> >  hit the ball right over that tree."
> >
> >  With that challenge placed before him, the
> youngster swung hard,
> >  hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the
> tree trunk and
> >  it thudded back on the ground not a foot from
> where it had
> >  originally lay. The old man offered one  more
> comment, "Of course,
> >  when I was your age that pine tree was only 3
> feet tall."
> 



In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular
> looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.  After several
> minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the
> unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.   When they leave the tunnel,
Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
> (1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by
> mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have
slapped his face."
> (2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on
the blonde and she smacked him."
> (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by
mistake she slapped me."
> (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack Clinton again."
************************************

Here are a couple highlights of ER admissions:
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
suicide.  The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and
a fifth of vodka.  When asked about the bruises about his head
and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into
the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

(Being a nursing student, I nearly fell off my chair at this one!)


- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was
rushed to the hospital.  After 30 minutes of unsuccessful
resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.  The
doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her
mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it?  Where could they be?  She left in the ambulance
forty-five minutes ago!"


- The most non-emergency ER visit:  A male adolescent came in at
2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
...And while on belly buttons, when I first started working in
our ER, we had a patient come in who needed the tip of a Q-tip
extracted from the hallows of her navel.  She had been cleaning
her severe "inny" and the cotton came off and she couldn't get
it out.  Now that was an expensive belly button cleaning.
********************************





I love this.  close your eyes first and picture an OLD Julie Andrews on a
small hill (maybe a pitchers mound) with a cane.  OK?  Got the picture NOW
read and hum!
 > New words for an old song From The Sound of Music's
 > A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:
 >
 > Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting',
 > Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's,
 > Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
 > These are a few of my favorite things.
 >
 > Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
 > Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
 > Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
 > These are a few of my favorite things.
 >
 > When the pipes leak,
 > When the bones creak,
 > When the knees go bad,
 > Then I remember my favorite things
 > and then I don't feel so bad
 >
 > Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
 > No spicy hot food and no food with onions,
 > Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
 > These are a few of my favorite things.
 >
 > Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
 > Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'.
 > And we won't mention our short shrunken frames
 > When we remember our favorite things.
 >
 > When the joints ache, when the hips break,
 > When the eyes grow dim,
 > Then I remember the great life I've had,
 > And then I don't feel so bad.
 >
 > THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD
 > AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOO BAAAD.
 >




The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads
in
Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES...
PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988
MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS
--------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
----------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE
HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
---------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE
MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
---------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS
NOT THAT GUILTY.
---------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS
TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
---------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No
longer
needed. Got married last weekend.  Wife knows
everything.
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