Jokes from many friends
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- Subject: Jokes from many friends
- From: ShayDguy@aol.com
- Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000 07:25:34 EDT
- Content-Language: en
1) It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one
minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month
2) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
3) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
4) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost
a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
5) I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out
what I'm doing.
6) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would
have put them further up our body.
7) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
8) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10) If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small
11) And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out
of my glass and warms up my rum and coke.
>As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
>strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
>observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
>Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
>The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
>this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please,
>go away and leave me alone."
>The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
>other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
>observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his
>query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-
>five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll
>ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
>A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed
>the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise
>coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area
>and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The
>vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
>The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
>The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
> > WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
> > Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a
> > nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her
> > sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,
> > hands behind the back of her head.
> > One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
> > walked over to her car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and
> > looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
> > she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains
> > for over an hour.
> > The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
> > doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
> > they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
> > back of her head.
> > A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
> > that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of
> > head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
> > thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
> > and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed
> > came to her aid.
> > And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
> I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't want to interrupt
> Marriage is a 3-ring circus; engagement ring, wedding ring, and
> Okey, the last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "what's on the TV?"
>I said, "dust."
> In the beginning, God created earth and rested! Then God created man
>and rested. Then God created woman. Since
>then, neither God nor man has rested!
> Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.
> What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks!
> A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Fifth Ave and
>said, "I haven't eaten anything in 4 days." She looked at him and said,
>"Gosh, I wish I had your willpower."
> Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws!
> A man put an "ad" in the classified......"Wife wanted." Next day he
>received over a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "you can
> The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a
country road one evening when a cow ran in front of
the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow
was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse
and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to
the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a
bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and
smiling happily. "What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the
wine, his wife gave me the cigar."
"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver,
and I just killed the cow."
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were
getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the
children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.
The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long
moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his
chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy
machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or
A farmer passed the state mental hospital with a wheelbarrow
of fertilizer, when an inmate asked him what he was going
to do with it.
"Put it on my tomatoes," said the farmer.
"And they call me nuts because I put mustard in my milk,"
mumbled the inmate.
"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife
alone at night," said one man to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up
a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she
can't go with me."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's Michael, he's a doctor...'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher, ...she's dead."
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during
which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He
was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife
and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son
spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and
he's got a Purple Heart on!"
The mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let
him in, and you go play at the Jones's for a couple hours."
Martha strikes again:
August 23, 2000 —
She may be the Queen of Domesticity, but her
hospitality is positively horrid.
Martha Stewart called police in Mount Desert, Maine,
when a car full of lost sightseers made a wrong turn
and ended up in Stewart's driveway.
Beginning at about 12:30 a.m. on August 13, Officer
James McGreevy received a total of three calls from
Stewart's Seal Harbor house in a 20-minute period.
McGreevy arrived at Stewart's house to find a
limousine blocked in the driveway.
The limo driver, Richard "Bub" Anderson, had taken
eight women on a tour around the island, which is near
the tourist town of Bar Harbor, after a bachelorette
party. Anderson said he took the group out to dinner
and shopping, up a mountain to watch a meteor shower
and into Seal Harbor to see the homes of some of his
Then, Anderson said, he lost his bearings.
"It was obvious we must have taken a wrong road," he
told the Ellsworth American, the hometown paper. "All
of a sudden this vehicle comes backing out of a
Anderson said a brown SUV backed up, stopped quickly
and the driver got out. "The girls started hollering
'Oh no, it's Martha Stewart!' " Anderson recounted.
And she didn't have a welcoming batch of hors
d'oeuvres on a gold-rimmed platter.
Anderson said Stewart told him she had "had it" with
people trespassing and she was sick of people coming
to her home.
Once police arrived they issued Anderson a summons
charging him with misdemeanor trespass by motor
vehicle. On Monday, however, prosecutors said no
charges will be filed against the driver, in part
because Stewart's lane doesn't have any signs marking
it as private property with no trespassing allowed.
(Ironically, Stewart could technically face criminal
or civil charges for unlawfully detaining the
tourists, but chances are Anderson and company won't
pursue any legal recourse.)
Meanwhile, Martha's spin doctors are trying to paint
her as the nice gal. "Ms. Stewart plans no further
action in this matter," a rep says. But, "like any
homeowner, she remains concerned with issues of
privacy and personal safety when in the sanctity of
her own home."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for
> the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for
> two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank
> will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over
> the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front
> of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank
> agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
> The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good
> laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
> $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls
> into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
> Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and
> the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we
> are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
> out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away,
> we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What
> puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
> The blond replies......................"Where else in New
> York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it
> to be there when I return?"
> > > > > > > > > > >
> * > > > > > Finally, a smart blonde joke.
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