Off Topic (and Silly) - Guide to Gardening

**S*@aol.com**

All You'll Ever Need to Know About Gardening:

Aaaa -- Sound produced by dozing gardener when stung by bee trapped in said
gardener's trouser leg.

Annual -- Any plant that dies before blooming.

Aphid -- Insect pest that infests gardens and makes gardeners foam at the
mouth, stamp their feet, and utter four-letter words.

Bed -- 1). Where most prized flowering perennials are located. 2). Where
most gardeners are located when they hear rabbits in 1.

Catalogues -- Forms of entertaining fiction published by nurseries, seedsmen
and tool manufacturers.

Dog -- 1). Familiar domestic quadruped, whose main hobby is paleontology.
declares squatter's rights and buries its favorite specimens under your most
prized shrubs. 2). Device with tooth which penetrates or grips object and
detains it.(Usually leg of unsuspecting gardener.)

Easter Sunday -- Traditional planting time in many parts of the country.

Easter Monday -- Traditional time to dig up and dispose of plants killed by
unexpected hard frost of previous night.

Fence -- Barrier erected to protect garden produce against animal pests that
lack wings, paws, teeth or brains and cannot leap, tunnel, climb or fly.

Fertilizer -- Plant food. The feeding procedure is complicated but the few
essential facts about fertilizers can be mastered quickly. Just remember the
numbers three, two and five. They refer to: The three basic types - messy,
stinky and messy/stinky; the two sizes available - trial (four ounce packet)
and economy (220 pound sack); and the five methods of application - too
much, too little, too early, too late and wrong kind.

Fruit -- General term for the seed bearing part of a plant that is eaten by
birds or worms, drops off, rots, gets funny spots, isn't what was pictured
in the catalogues, tastes like a glove or doesn't appear at all.

Furrow -- Horizontal line on forehead of a gardener.

Garden -- One of the vast number of free outdoor restaurants operated by
charity minded amateurs to provide healthful, balanced meals for insects,
birds and animals.

Hoe -- Gardening tool whose name derives from the fact that when its blade
is stepped on, its handle delivers a sharp rap to the gardener's brow, at
which point he cries "Ho!"

Hose -- Crude but effective, totally safe type of scythe towed through
gardens to flatten flower beds.

Injuries -- Accidental mishaps from careless use of various implements which
nurserymen guarantee easy to use.

Jumper -- Ragged garment favored by gardeners that usually has plenty of
ventilation especially at the elbows.

Kneeling -- Prone position of gardener when praying for rain during frequent
drought periods that occur when plants need extra moisture to sustain
growth.

Lament -- Song sung by gardeners, generally off key, to encourage plants to
grow.

Mulch -- Material placed round the base of a plant to keep it moist and
warm. Wood chips, leaf matter and even unwanted printed matter may be used.

Nursery -- The only known place where money grows on trees.

Onion -- Useful culinary plant that comes in different sizes, guaranteed to
cure dry-eye syndrome.

Perennial -- Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after
year.

Potato -- The ideal vegetable. Not bitter, stringy pulpy, or gritty, it can
be boiled, fried, baked, roasted, creamed or mashed. It is even tasty served
as a salad. Best of all, since potatoes of excellent quality are available
all the year round at very reasonable prices, there is absolutely no reason
whatsoever to grow them - in fact, there is a very good reason not to.

Potato blight -- The very good reason not to.

Quarrel -- A form of heated dialogue between rival gardeners.

Root -- 1). Subsurface part of a weed inadvertently left in the ground when
the upper portion is removed, thus resulting in the weed's speedy regrowth.
2). Subsurface part of an ornamental shrub, or tree a small portion of which
is inadvertently left in the ground when the said plant is transplanted,
resulting in the plant's rapid death.

Seed -- Highly nutritious form of bird food in handsome packets.

Stake -- Hard, tasteless garden product that generally constitutes the bulk
of the harvest after visits by rabbits, birds, squirrels and other
inhabitants of the space a gardener thought he had vacant possession of.

Tools -- Gardening implements that have a distinct life cycle: ACTIVE PHASE
(one to twelve weeks), marked by appearance of blisters on hands and bruises
on legs of user; METAMORPHOSIS PHASE (12 to 14 weeks), during which the
handle suddenly breaks at the point where it is joined to the metal working
end; and DORMANT PHASE (14 weeks to 20 years), spent by the two halves of
the tool in a dark corner of a shed.

Vermin -- Any creature that eats green vegetables voluntarily.

Weed -- Any plant that will survive at least one week without being
fertilized, watered, pruned, sprayed, staked, misted mulched, dusted or
wrapped in sacking, paper or plastic.

Xylocarpous -- Having fruit that becomes hard or woody. A condition common
to most fruits that do appear.

Yawn -- A reaction common to most gardeners who have mastered the art of
deck chair assembly.

Zssss -- 1). Sound produced by dozing gardener in deck chair. 2). sound
produced by bee trapped in dozing gardener's trouser leg.
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