Eating goodies

  Enjoy the goodies of the holiday season.
Patti
Subject:  Holiday Diet
I hate this time of year.  Not for its crass commercialism and forced 
frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out 
with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the 
holidays without gaining 10 pounds.  You can't pick up a magazine 
without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts.  Eliminate 
second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they 
say.


Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.  Good grief.  Is your favorite 
childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?  I didn't think so.  Isn't 
mine, either.  A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.  I have my 
own list of tips for holiday eating.


I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy.  So what if you
don't make it to New Year's?  Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway!

1.  About those carrot sticks.  Avoid them.  Anyone who puts carrots on 
a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact, 
if you see carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they're 
serving rum balls.


2.  Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly.  Like fine 
single-malt scotch, it's rare.  In fact, it's even rarer than 
single-malt scotch.  You can't find it any other time of year but now.  
So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip??  It's 
not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something.  It's 
a treat.  Enjoy it.  Have one for me.  Have two.  It's later than you 
think.  It's Christmas!
3.  If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the whole point of 
gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone.  Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of 
your mashed potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.


4.  As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or 
whole milk.  If it's skim, pass.  Why bother?  It's like buying a sports 
car with an automatic transmission.  5.  Do not have a snack before 
going to a party in an effort to control your eating.  The whole point 
of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food.  Lots of 
it.  Hello?


6.  Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New 
Year's.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.   
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the 
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of 
eggnog.
7.  If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like 
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position 
yourself near them and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before 
becoming the center of attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of 
shoes - you can't leave them behind.  You're not going to see them again.


8.  Same for pies?  Apple?  Pumpkin?  Mincemeat.  Have a slice of each.  
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  
Always have three.  When else do you get to have more than one 
dessert??  Labor Day?
9.  Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with the 
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have 
some standards!


10.  And one final tip:  If you don't feel terrible when you leave the 
party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention!
Reread tips.  Start over.  But hurry!  Cookieless January is just around 
the corner!!!

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