NEW 1996 COMPUTER VIRUSES YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT:

The Internet Rumor Mill
=======================

The Internet, for all its strengths, has its weaknesses.  One of its
strengths is just how easy it is to use e-mail.  Sometimes, though, that's
also one of its weaknesses.  Through no bad intentions, sometimes bad
information is passed along.  The problem is, it keeps getting passed
along.

 "Good Times" allegedly was a virus that would
affect America Online members via e-mail.  "Good Times" was a hoax.  It
was billed in such a way that led AOL members to believe simply reading a
message with the subject line of "Good Times" would cause a computer
system to catch a virus and damage some of the contents of the hard drive.
It's always best to run a virus check on any download attachments in
mail from unknown people, but simply reading the text of the e-mail isn't
going to cause a virus.  Yet this sort of hoax proliferates because people
either think it's true or they're not sure and they want to alert their
friends so they forward the message to everyone they can think of to warn
people not to read the message "Good Times."  "Good Times" turned out in
some ways to be exactly what they said it was
-- an "e-mail virus" -- because "Good Times" is one of those Internet
gifts that keep on giving.  Two years later and ever other week or so,
someone is warning me about "Good Times."  Whoever created the hoax, well,
they must feel really proud!


NEW 1996 COMPUTER VIRUSES YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT:


JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that
part
will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands
back
to 200MB.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of
impending hard
disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic
microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you 
attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about 
possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn
thing
quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out
watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking 
about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does 
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part of
your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 
percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message
appearing on
each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow
the user
to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the
AT&T
virus.

FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to 
resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set
of
shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money
from your
Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases
through
Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill
for
$4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the
screen. 
It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new
files,
then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in
"self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but
you 
still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will
take
it back.

O.J. VIRUS
It claims that it did not , could not, and would not,  delete two of
your 
files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Merle Roberts
Grand Coulee Dam, Washington
irisbuff@televar.com
Other Mailing lists | Author Index | Date Index | Subject Index | Thread Index