OT:HUMOR Heavenly Gardening Humor

From: "wmoores" <wmoores@watervalley.net>

I know this is not iris humor, but I enjoyed it and hope you do too.  
Maybe, we can pretend there are some wild irises somewhere in 
this setting.


	Walter Moores
	Enid Lake, MS 7/8

> Lawns:
> 
> "Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store
> commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot
> of it die anyway.  Now I'm supposed to winterize it?  I hope it's too
> late.  Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with
> outside of thong swimsuits!  We constantly battle dandelions, Queen
> Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally,
> so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step
> chemical dependency.
> 
> Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis
> about this:
> 
> "Frank you know all about gardens and nature.  What in the world is
> going on down there in the Midwest?  What happened to the dandelions,
> violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?  I had a perfect,
> no-maintenance garden plan.  Those plants grow in any type of soil,
> withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from the
> long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
> songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.  But all I
> see are these green rectangles."
> 
> "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.  The Suburbanites.  They
> started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill
> them and replace them with grass."
> 
> "Grass?  But it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract
> butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms.  It's
> temperamental with temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all
> that grass growing there?"
> 
> "Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
> green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
> other plant that crops up in the lawn."
> 
> "The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really
> fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
> 
> "Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -
> sometimes twice a week."
> 
> "They cut it?  Do they then bale it like hay?"
> 
> "Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
> 
> "They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?"
> 
> "No, sir.  Just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away."
> 
> "Now let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will
> grow.  And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it
> away?"
> 
> "Yes, sir."
> 
> "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
> the rain and turn up the heat.  That surely slows the growth and saves
> them a lot of work."
> 
> "You aren't going believe this Lord.  When the grass stops growing
> so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
> continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
> 
> "What nonsense!  At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a
> sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The trees grow
> leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the
> autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep
> moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.  Plus, as they
> rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil.  It's a natural circle
> of life."
> 
> "You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new
> circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and
> have them hauled away."
> 
> "No!  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
> winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
> 
> "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they
> call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place of the
> leaves."
> 
> "And where do they get this mulch?"
> 
> "They cut down trees and grind them up."
> 
> "Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.  Saint
> Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have you
> scheduled for us tonight?"
> 
> "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."
> 
> "Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
> 
> 
> 


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