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tony's collection (poems)

     
     
     for the newbies here they are!
     
     
     
     A TRUE STORY
     
     
     I examined my pumpkin the other night And what I found was an ugly 
     site
     I measured around and over the top
     And then I found...... the blossom end rot
     
     I stepped back and covered my face
     After all that work ,I'm out of the race I went to the house and 
     rolled a smoke
     I told the kids, they thought it was a joke
     
     But they knew it was true because my face was pale I opened the fridge 
     and downed an ale
     I'll call my mate, he'll know what to do "Your joking" he said" That 
     can't be true"
     
     "Pick it now, get it out of your patch
     The bugs will get in, lay eggs and hatch
     Get it out of there, the place it was born in And we will fix it up 
     tomorrow morning"
     
     I couldn't lift it by myself
     So I sent the kids to get some help
     The neighbors came, "You want to lift something" "Yes, I need a hand 
     to move my pumpkin"
     
     "Do it yourself, you don't need four" "Are your wives busy, we might 
     need more"
     We went to the garden, I showed them my prize They stood in awe, 
     couldn't beleive their eyes
     
     So I got a tarp and we gathered around
     "We'll get it in the middle, then lift it off the ground" My sick 
     neighbor, he had a bad cough
     Grabbed it by the stem and snapped it right off
     
     I nearly cried and I said a rude word Loud enough that the whole world 
     heard
     He looked at the stem, it was long and fat
     Then he thew it away, he said "You can't eat that"
     
     I finally calmed down, though my face was still red "Just lift it " I 
     snapped, and get it into the shed It was still in one piece, in its 
     bright orange glory And my neighbor is still alive,to pass on the 
     story
     
     The next day the pumpkin Doc came around His beaming smile quickly 
     turned to a frown The colour is good and the shape is a gem
     But theres a whole in the back and you've cut off the stem
     
     So I told him the story, he said "You know what I think"
     'You shouldn't move pumpkins when you've had too much to drink "But it 
     was after my neighbor had snapped off the trunk
     That I had a few drinks and maybe got drunk
     
     Let this be a lesson, to everyone
     Don't plant too early, don't jump the gun Take it slow, don't go full 
     throttle
     Or you'll be drowning your sorrows, in the bottom of a bottle
     
     
     Tony Hickman
     
     
     
     
     
     
     The Pumpkin God
     
     I need a sacrifice for the pumpkin god 
     To make him happy I need a dead bod
     Maybe a moose or a buck or a doe
     I can't make up my mind which way to go
     
     A chicken or rabbit or maybe a cat
     Something to please him and make my pumpkin fat 
     A snake or a lizard or even a hound
     Anything that might improve the ground
     
     Some panthers or leopards or even some lions 
     So I can grow some healthy long vines
     Some hippies or skinheads or maybe some thugs 
     To keep him happy and keep out the bugs
     
     Maybe an eagle or a crow or a crane
     Anything that might bring me some rain
     A hippo or an elephant but only just one 
     Anything that might get me more sun
     
     Maybe a rhino thats been freshly shot 
     Could put an end to the blossom end rot 
     A wombat or koala or a kangaroo
     Just in case of powdery mildew
     
     I'll sacrifice anything, I don't care what the cost 
     To keep away the killing frost
     A salmon or trout or even a sturgeon
     Because I'm damned if I can find, a young blond virgin
     
     Tony Hickman
     
     
     
     
     The Pumpkin family
     
     There's a group on the internet
     None of them have I ever met
     They help each other on a daily basis 
     They keep no secrets or hide no aces
     
     They are always there for advice or a chat
     Or a shoulder to cry on when your feeling flat 
     They listen to your problems and give you advice 
     Just to know they are there,  well its real nice
     
     They do this freely and ask for nothing in return 
     They are always ready, to listen or learn
     Some have strange names, Pumpkinguy, Lubadub 
     They are one big family, one large pumpkin club
     
     And if you don't grow pumpkins they'll talk you around 
     You'll soon be planting and tilling the ground
     You don't need to grow many you might just grow one 
     To become part of this family and join in the fun
     
     They will help you every step of the way 
     And pat you on the back on weigh-off day
     So if your a little bit crazy and have a green thumb 
     Join this group as I have done
     
     They are everyday people, your average Joe
     Who take pride in they're gardens and the pumpkins they grow 
     Just turn on your computer and click your mouse
     And you'll have hundreds of pumpkin growers right there in your house
     
     Just subscribe to Pumpkins@athenet.net
     And you'll find a friend to help you, on that I'll bet
     
     Tony Hickman
     
     
     
     Its Not That Far
     
     After many months it was time to go
     And take my baby to the the pumpkin show 
     I'll just pop it into the back of the car After all its not that far
     
     My wife and I and a friend named Sam 
     Lifted it into the back of the van
     I packed some blankets all around
     Found some rope and tied it down
     
     It looked secure in the back of the car 
     After all its not going far
     Go easy on the brakes, my wife said
     It might roll forward and we'll all be dead
     
     I could imagine the headlines Pumpkins 
     Kill As I drove slowly down a very steep hill 
     Then my daughter screamed as loud as a goose 
     Oh my god the pumpkins loose
     
     It hit the back seat with one hell of a thump 
     My wife opened the door and was ready to jump 
     Just hang on to it, and get back in the car 
     We're nearly there, its not that far
     
     A little bit further I heard my daughter beg 
     Help me dad its squashing my leg
     And the stem is tangled in my hair
     Just hang on we're nearly there
     
     I got to the weigh-off just in time
     My family was shaken but they'll be fine 
     My pumpkin got there without a scar
     Just as I planned, because it wasn't that far.
     
     Tony Hickman
     
     
     The Hoochy Coochy
     
     A mate of mine
     He's a bit of a prude
     He thinks pollinating flowers
     Is something rude
     I have to help him
     When the time comes
     He gets all shy
     And he's all thumbs
     He talks to them nicely
     "Your a pretty yellow"
     "Here Mrs flower"
     "Meet your new fellow"
     And thats where he stops
     He just hasn't got the heart
     To finish the job
     And do the important part
     "She's not ready"
     "To be a mother"
     "They've only just met"
     "They hardly know each other"
     "Shouldn't we marry them"
     "Or at least dim the light"
     "I just can't do this"
     "It doesn't seem right"
     Thats when I take over
     It's all up to me
     To do what I call
     The hoochy coochy
     You stand back
     And close your eyes
     And I'll do the deed
     Before she dies
     When the jobs all over
     Just for a joke
     I lie down by the flower
     And light up a smoke
     
     (c) Tony Hickman
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