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If Airlines sold paint...

  • Subject: [ferns] If Airlines sold paint...
  • From: Bob Needham <bneedham@cisco.com>
  • Date: Mon, 8 Mar 2004 15:29:32 -0800 (PST)


Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
   Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
   Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up 
          to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
   Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of the $12 paint.
   Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: What difference does that make?
   Clerk: We need to know in order to plan our paint production.

Customer: Well, I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
   Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? Well, when would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
   Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. 
          But you would have to agree to start painting before Friday 
          of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!
   Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: But you have shelves FULL of paint!!
   Clerk: Well, that doesn't mean that we have paint available.  We sell 
          only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by 
          the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. I see just now that 
          we don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up just as we were talking?
   Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, 
          and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your 
          paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your 
          paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
   Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, 
          there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you 
          already have.

Customer: WHAT?
   Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and 
          bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you'll 
          lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint or not? I'll have 
          already paid you for it!
   Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used; every 
          drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! Something terrible will happen if I don't 
          keep painting until after Saturday night?!
   Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought would automatically become $200 

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?
   Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. 
          One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to 
          complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, in fact, 
          some of them are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty 

Customer: To heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
   Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your 
          bathroom, bedrooms, kitchen and dining room from someone else, 
          but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway 
          from anyone but us, because we are the only ones that supply paint 
          for a route like that. And I should point out, sir, that if you 
          paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
   Clerk: That's only if you paint all the way around the room and finish back 
          at the same point from which you started. Paint used in a hallway is 
          different, that's "One Way" paint. We have to charge more for that.
          In addition, you would then become a "suspicious customer", especially
          if you pay cash for One Way paint. We would probably search you and
          interrogate you when you arrived to pick up the paint. And further, 
          if we decided to cancel your order and you never show up at the store
          to try and pick up your paint, That would be REALLY suspicious! You
          could then expect a visit from the FBI!

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one 
          direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint?
   Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your 
          NEXT gallon of paint. 

Customer: You're insane!
   Clerk: Thanks for painting with United Southwest American Paint!

----- End Included Message -----

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