The Lecture of a Life time

**Melanie m*@optonline.net**

Some experiences are "once in a life time" experiences. You know it when
they happen, it makes you savor that moment even more.

Monday I was scheduled to give a lecture to the West Hampton Garden club.
I've been trying to conserve gas so I decided to make a few stops on the way
out there and get some things for the garden. As I left the last location I
realized that I did not have directions from where I was in Riverhead to the
wildlife refuge in Quogue. Surely residents of Riverhead were wondering what
that car was doing as it went around and around the traffic circle deciding
which exit to try (eenie meenie miney moe). Luckily I was soon heading south
and on the way.

My arrival time was perfect, ten minutes to two (the lecture was scheduled
for 2:00). What's this? Not a soul in sight. I finally found a building and
called "hello" hoping somebody was there. A volunteer took pity on me and
showed me the lecture room. Uh Oh, they had booked me for a slide program.
The room was a large A-frame room, vaulted ceiling, built out over a pond
that was chock full of wildlife. Really a stunning view since it was floor
to ceiling glass on three sides. The problem? Not a curtain to be found.
Then I turn around and see the screen, it must have been from the 1940's it
was a silver mylar slide screen. Man oh man was I in trouble. I was so
disappointed because the program is one that I've done often for daylily
clubs and shows some lovely garden shots that have daylilies in them. Still,
I set up the projector and by then the women began to arrive.

This was a very well-to-do crowd. Blonde, manicured, and dressed in their
finest. Good thing I had expected that audience and was also dressed in my
best lecture outfit.

As the room got more and more crowded I backed up into a display case. Ewww,
I suddenly realized this room was a taxidermists delight. The top of the
case had all kinds of stuffed creatures on it. Just about then I noticed the
ceiling. There were dozens of birds, stuffed and hung by clear filament. As
people would open the door a breeze would come in and the birds would move
like they were flying. Right over my head was a hawk with a stuffed rat in
it's mouth.

The program began, the women were kind and sat there and squinted their eyes
and cocked their heads and made believe they could see what I was pointing
out on the slide screen. Suddenly a noise begins. It sounds like the cross
between a goose honking and a bull frog grunting all together. OONNG  OONGG
OONGG what the heck was going on? I watched as 40 perfectly coiffed women
turned around to see who could be making this awful racquet and then it
dawned upon us all...there were two giant African Turtles right there in the
room with us mating!

I am not kidding. These two humongous, prehistoric creatures were going away
at it and I could not even shout over their deafening grunts! We had tears
in our eyes we were laughing so hard. After a few minutes I was finally able
to continue the program although you still heard an occasional stifled
giggle from the audience.

At the end of the program I asked the women how other speakers had handled
the situation. They assured me that in all the years they've met at that
location, this has never happened. They did try to offer me something to eat
before I began my long trip home but one look at the sandwiches piled on a
shelf surrounded by display tanks filled with live rodents and snakes and
well...I told them I wasn't too hungry.

The next morning I was telling a friend about this experience. When I was
done, she asked me what lecture had I given. When I said "you know my garden
accessory program, it's called All Dressed Up for the Big Show" we both
burst out laughing all over again.

This blog has been brought to you by:
Melanie Vassallo
South Huntington NY zone 6b (where I'll put my perennial collection up
against any on Long Island including Old Wesbury)

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