Re: Cat Pill Humor (NOT colonic)
- To: hosta-open@mallorn.com, B*@aol.com
- Subject: Re: Cat Pill Humor (NOT colonic)
- From: S*@aol.com
- Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 06:45:34 EST
HOW TO ADMINISTER A PILL TO YOUR CAT
(Bob Story, Laguna Beach, CA, Coastline NEWS, reprinted in 11/28/99
Indianapolis Star)
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill
into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and through away soggy pill.
4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able.
Hold cat's mouth closed as well.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
for
assistance.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing
front
and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with
forefinger and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from living room curtain valance.
8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for
later
gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.
9. Wrap cat in beach towel and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with
cat's
head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you've
made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow.
10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to himans. Sip water to
take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with soap and cold water.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place
cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck and head outside cupboard.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down through with rubber
gand.
12. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw away bloodied, ripped T-shirt and fetch another from bedroom.
13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat.
14. Call 911. Ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.
15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and securely tie
to
leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth
open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw
hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed toward
ceiling and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat and two jiggers
of whiskey down your own.
17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor
administers anesthetic, stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill
remnants from eye.
18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter. Adopt
a goldfish.
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