Re: The Darwin Awards


   "The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been
   released!
   
   These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
   individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most
   to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
   
   Ladies And Gentlemen...  (drum roll...  and envelope please)...We
   proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:
   
   5th runner-up:  Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he
   hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the
   slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at
   Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono
   County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had
   hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam
   protectors from lift towers, said Lt.  Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth
   Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might
   hit towers.  The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski
   slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.  It has since been investigated
   and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed
   
   4th Runner-up:  Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
   disorderly in a St. Louis market.  When the clerk threatened to call the
   police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out
   without paying.  Police found him unconscious in front of the store.
   Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had
   choked him to death.
   
   3rd Runner-up:  Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag
   standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when
   it fell on him.
   
   2nd Runner-up:  "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia
   party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to
   replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his
   mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips,
   teeth, and tongue.  Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap
   as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
   "Another man had it in
   an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it," said
   Payne.  "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set
   it off."  "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth
   out and his lips and tongue off," Payne said.  Stromyer was listed in
   guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to
   a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical vision. "I just can't imagine
   anyone doing something like that" Payne said.
   
   1st Runner-up:  Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
   man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
   will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
   right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club,
   Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men
   Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.  A friend tried to shoot a beer can
   off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.  Doctors said
   that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
   would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.  Neurosurgeon
   Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the
   arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at
   the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
   vessels.  Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow
   out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted
   afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said
   Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."  No charges have been filed, but
   the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation
   stunt is under investigation.
   
   Now this year's winners:
   
   (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
   great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert
   at the George Washington amphitheater.  Having no tickets (but having
   had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over
   the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.  They pulled their pickup
   truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky,
   who was
   100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist
   his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a
   30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.  Having heaved himself
   over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly
   halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch
   that snagged him by his shorts.
   
   Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some
   bushes below him.  (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall,
   he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut way his shorts to free
   himself from the tree.  Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE
   LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched
   his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly
   branch
   penetrated his rectum.  To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his
   pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches.
   
   (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and
   agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks
   of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly
   driving away.  However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck
   into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and
   killing him.  Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver
   thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive
   internal injuries.  Upon moving the truck, they found John under it,
   half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife
   in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the
   air.
   
   Congratulations gentlemen, you win..."
   
   Subject:1999 Darwin Award Winner
 
  Living on Zionist Time
 
 1999 Darwin Awards Winner
 Confirmed True by Darwin 
 
 
 (5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time
 caused consternation among terrorist groups this year.
 
 At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded 
in
 different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. 
 It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by
 klutzy amateurs.  A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely
 explosions.
 
 Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings
 time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving
 pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two 
weeks
 of scheduling havoc ensued.
 
 The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on
 Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard
 time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives 
detonated,
 delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
 

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