Re: The Darwin Awards
"The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most
to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We
proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:
5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he
hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at
Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono
County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had
hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam
protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth
Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might
hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski
slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated
and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed
4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the
police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out
without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had
choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag
standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when
it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia
party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to
replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his
mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips,
teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap
as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man had it in
an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it," said
Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set
it off." "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth
out and his lips and tongue off," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to
a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical vision. "I just can't imagine
anyone doing something like that" Payne said.
1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club,
Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men
Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can
off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said
that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon
Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the
arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at
the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow
out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted
afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said
Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but
the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation
stunt is under investigation.
Now this year's winners:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert
at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having
had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over
the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup
truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky,
100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist
his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a
30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself
over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly
halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch
that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some
bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall,
he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut way his shorts to free
himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE
LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched
his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly
penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his
pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches.
(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and
agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks
of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly
driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck
into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and
killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver
thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive
internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it,
half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife
in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the
Congratulations gentlemen, you win..."
Subject:1999 Darwin Award Winner
Living on Zionist Time
1999 Darwin Awards Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time
caused consternation among terrorist groups this year.
At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded
different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs.
It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by
klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely
Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings
time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving
pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two
of scheduling havoc ensued.
The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on
Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard
time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives
delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
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